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YALE

THE

English Rogue:

Continued in the Life of

MERITONLATROON

AND OTHER

EXTRAVAGANTS:

Comprehending the moft Eminent

CHEATS

OF

BOTH SEXES.

Read, but do'nt Praflice: for the Author findes, Tliey which live Honeft have moft quiet mindes.

The TVun/Part

With the Illustration of Pictures to every Chapter.

LONDON:

Printed by Anne Johnfon for Fran. Kirkman, and are to be fold at his Shop ia Fan-Church Street over again ft the Sign of the Ro bin Hood neer Algate, 1674.

1 0 i

The Preface.

Gentlemen !

IN the firft imprejjion of this third part, a large and as I thought a fnfficicnt Apologie was made ;J or the Writing and publifliing thereof. Wlierefore IJJiall not enlarge at this time, onely tell you that you have here laid before you, a large Catalogue of all forts of noto rious Rogueries ; your own confciences may ferve as a finger in the Margin, pointing directly to the Guilt with which you are principally concerned ; to deal plainly with you, had I lived in a lefs wicked Age than this is, this Book had ne're been extant ; it was t/ie vicious practices of thefe corrupted times, that gave it matter and form, life and being: had the evil inclinations of men extended no further, then to fome ivagijh excursions, I fhould fiave been filent ; but fence Villany improves it felf daily, notwithjlanding the many lamentable examples monthly attending the commijjion thereof. I thought good to erect this Monument of their fliame and wickednefs, wJiich may ferve in/lead of a continuall Seflions, an ever- lajling Tyburn, to fright thefe vile mifcreants from tJieir enormous practices: I know not with what faces they can perpetrate that again, which is now fo notorioufly laid open to the view of the whole world ; the beajilinefs of their debaucheries Jlinking above ground. But I have heard fome men fay, that the writing of this is not tlte probable way of reducing, but increafeng the number offuch perfons whofe enor mities I have juft caufe to complain of: I would not have you to be fo rafli in your Judgments, as un charitably to believe me to be a Seminary of Vice, and A 2

The Preface.

that I crcttcd a Nurfery for its propagation, for I mutt affureyou I am of better principles, and that no profit tvhatfocver Jhall buy out my intereft in a good confcience. What I have done is well intended, and is t)ie producl of a painful Experience, Travel, and Ex-pence; and if you will have a little patience, you JJiallfind(in the winding up of the bottom by the con- clufwnofthis Story, in a fifth and lajl Part, which is very fuddcnly intended) that no crime Jhall go unpun- ijlied, no particular P erf on who hath been guilty ofthefe vicious Extravagancies but Jliall have a punijhment fuitable to their crimes : and then I hope all perfons who make ufe of this Book to practice debaucheries, will be induced to forbear and decline their wickcd- nefs, left ajuft Judgment overtake them, as they will find it hath done thefe Extravagants. This is the true defign and end of this Book in generall, and whoever makes any other ufe or Conftruttion dds greatly abufc the real and true intents of their honeft Monitor.

Fra. Kirkman.

THE

ENGLISH ROGUE:

Continued in the Life of

Meriton Latroon,

AND OTHER

EXTRAVAGANTS.

PART III.

CHAP. I.

Mrs. Dorothy rchearfcs how flie cheats her Lovers ; who being with Child, made all that had to do with her contribute to her expence in lying in, and recom- pencc tier loft honour. She goes into the country to lay her great Belly ; in her Journey Jlie falls intb the acquaintance of a crafty Old Woman (alias : a Procurer.)

MRS. Dorothy having thus given me an account of her firft Adventure, I received much fatif- faction in the Relation ; and told her that I found fhe was much improved in cunning fince my firft ac- B

2 The Englijli Rogue ; And Part 3.

quaintance with her ; for I had enjoyed her without much advantage to her felf, for fhe had a great Belly, with little profit, not knowing who was, or were to find a Father : whereas now fhe had her choice of three, and money enough to boot whereby to pur- chafe a handfome provifion for herfelfand child. Yes, reply'd fhe, I did not intend to be caught again ; for then it would have been my own fault, you havingex- perienced me in the fallacies of your Sex ; and there fore, as I told you, I made my bargain with all my three Friends as politickly as I could ; and upon fe- cond thoughts, altered fomewhat of the terms I had formerly agreed upon : for whereas my firft Cufto- mer had given me twenty pounds in hand, to provide me with neceffaries during my time of lying in, and had agreed to provide for the Child, when it fhould be born: I told him I had provided a Nurfe for it already that was willing to take all the charge, and difcharge him from any further trouble, upon payment of four- ty pounds more ; to this he eafily confented, and gave Bond in to me, in the name of a Friend of mine; whom I told him was the Party that would make provifion for the Child.

Thus did I fettle matters with the firft : and with the fecond I continued my bargain, of having twenty pounds down, and fifty pounds more at the birth of the Child. And my Matters Brother and I continued our old bargain of the like fum, of twenty pounds down, and fifty pounds more, to be paid at 6 moneths; neither did I difcontinue my familiarities with any of them ; for I managed my affairs fo cunningly, that fome nights I lay with my firft Cuftomer without the knowledge of my Mafter's Brother, from whom I en deavoured only to conceal it, and not from my fecond for he, as I told you, was privy to my dealings with

Part 3. other Eztravagants. 3

him, and by that means only firft gained his ends up on me: fometimes I lay with my fecond Cuftomer.but it was with fome regret, for I had the leaft affection for him of the three ; but now he fmce he had bled fome of his yellow pieces, and give me what I defired of him, I could not well refufe him his defires of me, neither was he fo fhy as formerly ; for he valued not though my Mafters Brother fometimes difcovered us, for he knewthat our dealingswere not concealed from him, and therefore he was the bolder. But with my Mafters Brother I was more free than ever ; he having as much again for his money as either of the other, neither was it perceived by either of them; for he having the command of the houfe, fo ordered it, that my Lodging was neareft to his; and therefore we had the more conveniencyto come at one another. We drave this trade for fome Moneths, till in the end my Mafter's Brother gaining the goodwill of his Sweet-heart, he was married to her, and then he for fome time fell off. But he had not lain with his Wife above a fortnight, but he became weary of her em braces, and renewed his love again to me ; I at firft withftood him, and ufed Arguments to diffwade him from any fuch courfe ; but all would not do ; for he told me he found but little pleafure in the cold em braces of his Wife; neither had he married her, but for her Eftate, which was confiderable ; many other Arguments he ufed to perfwade me, who was not al together unwilling ; and fo we again renewed our former pleafure ; but we were neceflitated to be very private, and only now and then to have a private meeting in the day time, for he was to accompany his Wife in the Night. But as privately, and craftily as we carried our felves, we were at length difcovered ; for my fecond Cuftomer, after he had paid for his B 2

4 The Englifli Rogue \ And Part 3.

pleafure, was more defirous to have his penny-worths out of me, and ftill importuned me to interviews fo often, that I much grumbled at him ; and he being a weary Fox, ftill dogg'd and watch'd me, and that fo often, that at length he found me and my Mafters Brother in our ftricl: embraces ; he being both glad and angry, without any [by your leave] entered the Room where we were (the door being only carelef- ly put to) and without any words approaching the Bed whereon we lay, drew the Curtains, and faid ; well, Mafter John (for fo was his name) that fawce which is good for the Goofe, I hope will be good for the Gander ; felf do, felfhave ; I hope, Sir, finceyou have put in for your fhare in the pleafure, you will be fhare, and fhare like in the charge. Well, replyed Mr.y^/z;/, it fhall be even as honeft Mrs. DorotJiy will have it; and thereupon removed, and fitting upon the Bed, I began togivehim bad words,calling him jealous Coxcomb ; and he again flew at me, telling me that I was infatiate, and that twenty would not ferve my turn ; and that now he found the reafon of my flight ing him, for Mr. John ; but if we would not do him Juftice, he would be revenged on us both: to thatMr. John replyed, asking him what he would have ? I would, faid he, have my money, and my Bond again; for I fee, and find, there is little reafon that I fhould pay for other mens Leachery ; you make me provide for a Child, that, for ought I know, hath twenty Fa thers ; well, faid I, you have had too much for your money ; and if you are grieved, amend your felf ; fo I will, faid he, furioufly going away out of the Room. He being gone, Mr. Jo/in and I fell toconfulting,what was to be done in this affair; and after many propofi- tions, we at length agreed, that it was moft conveni ent for me to be gone from my fervice, and to leave

Part 3. other Exlravagants. 5

London, for fome Country Habitation ; left this an- gred Coxcomb fhould mifchief us, by difcovering our practice to Mr. Johns Wife, or fome elfe, that was worfe : I was willing, and ready to take this courfe ; but I told Mr. John, that moneys would be wanting, to make a handfome provifion for me ; for as affairs now ftood, there was no expecting any mony from my angred Cuftomer, but what fhould be forced from him. That is true, replyed he ; but fo foon as the money is due, for which he hath given you Bond, I will take courfe with him, and compel him to pay it ; and in the mean time I will furnifh you. This was that which I aimed at ; and I knowing that he had lately received a large fum of money for his Wifes portion, with much eafe gained him to pay me the fifty pounds down, for which he had given me Bond, and being thus provided with moneys, and making up my pack (which was much improved fince my coming) I prepared for my departure. I as yet knew not what Country to retire to, but was refolved not to go back into my own ; and there fore confulted with Mr. Jolm about the place ; who ftill hankered after me, refolving I fhould not go far, but that he might eafily vifit me ; appointed me a place about ten Miles from London : and becaufe he would not be fufpe<5ted of going with me, nor of being any wayes privy to my departure, he per mitted me to take my Journy without him ; he pro- mifing in a few dayes to take the opportunity of giving me a vifit.

Thus did I leave his Brother's Houfe ; but not fo ab ruptly, but that I had the leave of my Mafter and Miftrefs ; whom I told, that my Father being fick, had fent for me immediately ; and to that end, a Letter

6 The EngliJJi Rogue ; And Part 3.

was framed by Mr. John, and brought me by a Por ter.

Being now Coach'd for my Journy, I in fhort time arrived at the Inn, where I was appointed to ftay, till Mr. John fhould arrive, and make better provifion for me ; where an Adventure befell me, which is worthy of your hearing : For among the reft of the Travel lers, there was an Antient Woman, who took great notice of me, ftill looking towards my Apron, and ey ing very diligently my belly ; which although it was now fomewhat greater, being about three Moneths gone with Child ; yet I had endeavoured, by busking it down, and ufmg all other means to hide it ; but the Old Woman was not fo dim-fighted, but fhe difco- vered the fraud ; and having been a good one her felf in her time, quickly fmelt out the matter ; and be lieved, and gueffed the caufe right, as it was ; for my thinn Chops, and (harp and whitely looks gave evi dent teftimonies of what difeafe I was fick of ; and looking more throughly upon me, and examining the features of my buxome Countenance, fhe conjectured right, that fome good Fellow had got up my belly at London, and I was going into the Country to be light- ned of my burthen : fhe having a while confidered with her felf, that I might be very ufeful for her in an affair fhe had then in hand, was very pleafant with me, defiring my further acquaintance. I was not fhye for the matter, but knowing that I had money enough to bear me out in any crofs adventure that might hap pen, was refolved to fee what the Old Woman meant by her familiarity. She firft gave me Joy of my great Belly ; to which I replyed, fhe might be miftaken ; well, well, faid fhe it matters not, whether I am or no ; but if it be not fo, I wifh it were ; and methinks it is a pity that you fhould be fick of any other difeafe ; for

Part 3. other Eitravagants. 7

I have fo much skill mPhyfwgnomy,\hdA. I can tell that you are of a morejovial Temper than now your coun tenance (hews for, and it is very unfit, that one of your years and complexion fhould want the pleafures of a fit Bed-fellow ; but I fuppofe you are not igno rant of thofe enjoyments, and have a Husband, with whom you have experienced the fweet of a Married Life. Truly, Madam, faid I, you are much miftaken; for I never yet entred into that honourable Eftate of Matrimony. Well, that matters not much, replyed this good Old one ; but I have mifs'd of my aim, if you are ignorant of what I have told you ; and although you may have no Husband, yet I believe you have a Friend, who has been dabling with you, and fwel'd your Belly ; if it be fo, you are not the only me that is guilty of that pleafing Crime; for I my felf have been good in my time ; and ftill have a Colts tooth in my head.

Thus did the Old Dotterel initiate her acquain- tancewith me; and had well near put me to the blufh, but that I turned my face afide, and gently wip'd it with my Handkerchief ; and then I told her me was very pleafant, and that a little in the extreams, confi- dering the publicknefs of the place (there were more Guefts in the Room) and our fmall acquaintance. As for the place, faid fhe, I muft confefs, as we are not all one Womans Children, fo we ought to be fomewhat careful ; but I mall make amends for that, by defire- ing you to withdraw into a more private place ; and as for the fhort time of our acquaintance, I queftion not, but we fhall quickly fet our Horfes together, and I hope our prefent meeting maybe advantagious to us both, efpecially, if it be as I yet expe6l it What do you mean, faid I ? That is, replyed fhe, if you be with Child, and fuch a Gamefter as I wifh you. I was

8 The EngliJJi Rogue • And Part 3.

much amazed at this Womans confidence ; but how ever, fhe having been fo open with me.Irefolved to be as free with her : hoping her words might prove true, and that fome benefit might be made out of her ac quaintance ; and therefore advifmg her to leave that Room, for another more private, fhe foon obey'd me; and having entred, and caufing a good fire, and Wine to be brought, we fat down together, not without my receiving fome falutations, and ftri6l embraces from my Antient, but to me new acquaintance. After we had each of us warned away forrow with a Cup of the beft Canary, the Old Woman being now more bold than before; again took me in her arms, & laid her hand hard upon my Belly ; when it fo fortuned, that at that very inftant the Child gave a gentle turn in my Belly ; which fhe quickly felt ; and then cryed out, Well, Daughter, you fee I was in the right ; therefore fince I have difcovered fomewhat, I pray tell me the reft of your condition ; and I queftion not but you will receive much profit by your difcovery : I was refolved to be very free with her, and acquaint her with the chiefeft of my Adventures ; ftill concealing fo much thereof, as fliould, or might be convenient to be made known ; whereupon I thus began.

Mother (fince you will have it fo) I fhall make a free confeffion of my Crime ; hoping you will be merciful in the pennance you fhall impofe ; feeing, as you fay, I am not the alone guilty party; and there upon I recounted to her, how that I being born in fuch a Country, and defirous to fee fafhions, went up \.Q London, and there happened into a Service ; where my M afters Brother falling in love with me, after fome Courtfhip (he promifing me marriage) we came to enjoyment ; that he, notwithfbanding his promife married with another ; who indeed exceeded me in

Part 3. other Extravagants. 9

Fortune, as I her in beauty ; but my fweet heart foon after marriage came to me, and repented of his bar gain ; but fmce that was part could not be remedied, I was forced to be contented ; and indeed, I having a great love for him, permitted him ftill to lye with me, that in the end, I was with Child by him ; and then we confulting what was moft neceffary to be done, it was at length concluded, that I fhould leave my fer- vice, and retire into the Country, till I were rid of my great Belly; and to that end and purpofe, I was now come into the Country, expecting him in fhort time to follow me. Thus did I give her a fhort, though fomewhat true, account of my Fortunes ; and when I had done, me thus replyed.

Well, Daughter, fmce your condition is as I judg ed it, and indeed hop'd it to be ; I (hall play the Chy- mift.'and extract Golden Fortunes to you out of your own defperate misfortunes; for I doubt, as your Lo ver hath once been falfe to you, fo he may prove the fecond time ; and now he hath fent you a journey, he may leave you to fhift for your felf ; and to look for another Father for your Child. But, Daughter, (con tinued fhe) if you will be rul'd by me, you fhall not only have a rich Father, but a great fortune for your Child : and perhaps, fo much ready money for your felf, as you will not only give me thanks, but reckon this our meeting to be the moft fortunate Accident of your whole Life. I thank you very kindly, replyed I, for your fair offers, but I fhall defire you to explain your felf further ; and I fuppofe I fhall put fo much confidence in you, as to be rul'd by you ; although I do not in the leaft doubt that I fhall be put to thofe extremities you imagine. So much the better, replyed fhe ; but however, that I may fit you for thofe purpofes I have defigned, and partly propounded to you ; I

10 The EngliJJi Rogue ; And Part 3.

fhall give you an account of fome part of my Life and Adventures ; and thereupon fhe thus Began.

CHAP. II.

The Old Woman relates to Mrs. Dorothy, where flie was born, in anAlehonfe; how educated in all man ner of debauchery ; howJJie /tad a Bajlard^whichjhe murther'd, is after marriage gotten with Child by a Moor, and perfivades Jier Husband it was his, not- withftanding, it being conceived fo by the Jlrcngth of imagination. Her Husband grooving jealotis of the Black Moor, fights him; and they kill one the other. A Jlrange adventure between her Lover and a French man, with a Wind mill.

I was born (faid fhe) at Portfmouth ; a Sea- Port-Town, very well known, not only to moft .£>/£•///& Men, but alfo to many Strangers. My Parents were of the ordinary ranck, keeping a fudling School, or Houfe of good fellow-fhip. I was educated, ac cording to the Cuftom of the place, to learn to read, and Sew ; in learning of which having fpent two or three years, at the Age of eleven I was taken home to fit in the Barr and keep the fcores ; I was well pleafed to be at home, becaufe there was great variety of Guefts ; efpecially merry drunken Saylors : who, when they had liberty to come afhore, would luftily booz it ; and fing, and dance, all weathers. And to that end, our Houfe was ftill accommodated with a blind Harper, who pick'd up a merry living : I taking pleafure in Mufick, and my Father thinking it would advance his trading, bought for me a pair of Virginals; and hired a man to teach me : I giving my mind to it,

Part 3. other Extravagant*, 1 1

foon learnt fome tunes, which I played to the merry Saylers.whilft theypull'd off their fhoes, and danc't Luftick; and fometimes I gaining a Teafter, or Groat for my Mufick, was fo encouraged, that I quickly took all the instructions my Mafterwas able to give me ; I likewife learned fome fongs of him, and fome of the Saylers ; fo that in little time I was well fur- nifhed with fat and lean Songs ; fo we term'd the bawdy and others. Although I foon underftood what was meant by bawdy Songs ; yet I was yet to young to have experience of them : however, when my Au ditors laugh'd, and fometimes hug'd and kifs'd me, I had fome kind of Notions that were very pleafing to me ; and although my Mother fometimes told me of the hateful name of Whore, and how much it con cerned me to keep my Maiden-head ; yet I refolved that if it were long ere I were married, yetitfhould not be fo before I tryed what it was to lye with a Man : however I followed my Mothers directions, in frowning, and fcouling on thofe who forc'd a kifs from me. But, as I had defigned, fo it came to pafs ; for at the Age of fourteen years, a Sayler, who of all other fort of People, I liked beft, gained my good liking : he newly came home from aboonVoyage,and was full of half Crown pieces, and took up his quar ters at our houfe ; my Father feeing him fo flufh, was refolved to milk him ; and therefore permitted him to keep me Company, though he faw he was very fami liar in hugging and kiffmg me ; I likewife had a great mind to fome of his money, and therefore begg'd fome of him to buy Ginger-bread, Sugar, Plumbs, Figgs, Fruit, and fuch likeliquorifh things; he believing, that as I had a liquorifh tooth, fo I might have a liquorifh Tail, refufed me no moneys I defired ; but I being fomewhatmodeft in the fmallnefs of my demands, had

12 The Englijli Rogue \ And Part 3.

but little that wayes by fair play ; therefore I be thought me, how I might be Miftrefs of more ; there fore was refolved, at the next opportunity, to pick his pocket, which I guefs'd would be no difficult mat ter to do ; in regard he was oftentimes much over taken with the Creature ; and therefore, to the end I might effe<5l my defires, when we were met next to gether, I drank pretty fmartly with him, and convey ed fome ftrong waters into each cup of his Beer ; and fo in fhort time he being fomewhat tipfie, defired me to fing him a fong, which I performing, he was quick ly, as I fuppofed fallen afleep ; I fat in his lap, and as cunningly as I could, flipt my hand into his Pocket ; where I gathered up three or four half Crowns ; as fleepyas hewas,he obfervedme, andwhilel was atmy work, he was at his ; and as flighly he conveyed one of his hands into another place, having not as yet been at that fport ; I fqueek'd out, which made him rife, and me withdraw my hand, and both of us leave our Prizes ; and I blufhing for anger, that I was fo doubly catch'd, would have left the Room ; but he taking hold of me, defired me to be quiet, and told me, what was done on his part was but in jeft, as he fuppofed what I did was ; and that it was but quid for quo. I having by this time gained fome confidence, was, at his entreaty, content to ftay longer with him, and fung another fong ; which when I had done, he gave me four half Crowns (a greater fum than I was ever till then Miftrefs of) and told me, fince he knew what I would have, he would give it me, as he hoped I would do the like. To which I replyed, I knew not what I might do in time, if he continued his kindnefs to me. Thus did I encourage him to be liberal to me, in hopes of his defired reward : and thus neither of us (know ing one anothers minds) was long backwards, with-

Part 3. otJicr Extravagant*. 13

out enjoying our defires; he giving me fome money and a Ring. I permitted him to enjoy me as fully as he could wifli or defire; and many rancounters we had together, both at home and abroad, as time and place would permit: but asthe longeft day will have an end fo had his money; and then my Father perceiving that it was low ebb in his Pocket, began to be more wary and circumfpecl: of him, and to watch him, and flight him, left he mould gain anything upon me.and run in to his fcore ; and fo he might lofe as much in the mire, as he had got in the hundred ; the Old Woman, my Mother,beingfomewhat fufpicious of me, ftill watch'd us with much warinefs ; and he not having money to treat me abroad at other houfes, as formerly, we were fain to have all our fports at home when we had con- veniency ; and there we were fo narrowly put to it, that "we were oftentimes in danger to be catch'd.

When my fweet-heart could get any Moneys he would treat me abroad ; and one day having been walking with me.hecommitted one of the greateft ex travagancies I ever heard of he had drank very hard and was now almoft flufter'd, when coming by the Wind mill which is near our Town, the wind blow ing fomewhat moderately, there was a French man, who challenged fome Englijk Saylers to fhew fome feats of activity ; among other exploits, he took hold of one of the wings of the Wind-mill, and holding faft, was carried round therewith, lighting very order ly on the ground upon his feet. This was a wonder ful, and we thought defperate attempt, and he much bragg'd of it daring any Englijh man to do the like : my fweet-heart being with me, and defirous to gain my efteem, and being fomewhat pot fhaken,makes no more ado, but likewife takes hold of one of the wings of the \Vindmil ; which by reafon the wind blew

14 The EngliJJi Rogue \ And Parts.

more frefhly than it had done lately, caufed the Mill to go more fwiftly then ordinary ; and he not being able to hold faft, was thrown off : but though it was a pretty way off, yet to his good Fortune, he was not thrown to the ground (which would have broken his bones,) but into a pond of water ; and there he being very skilful in fwimming, foon recovering him- felf, fwam to the more ; and not forgetting what he had done, cryed out, Noio let any Mounfieurof ye all do the like. All there prefent did much applaud him ; fome attributing that to his defign and skill, which indeed was by chance ; and truly, it was a good chance for him, that he broke not his neck : but he then efcaped any further danger: and fome Merchants be ing there prefent, were fo furprized with the manner of the a6lion that they gave him ten millings to drink; he beingthus rewarded for his folly, thought it hisbefl courfe to go home ; where we being come, and my Father made acquainted with the matter, and that he had money in his Pocket made much of him, and perfwaded him to go to bed ; and my Mother pro cured him a Sack poffet, which we all eat of at his beds fide ; but little did they think that this was a kind of a Bride-poffet : for, although we were not married that day, yet we lay together that night ; for when they were in their bed, in went I to his ; where he expected me, having before enjoyned me to make ufe of that opportunity, which I did, to both our good in tents: for we enjoyed one another in full freedom of all dilights: this being the firft and laft time I ever lay with him : for not long after, his coyn being fpent, and a Voyage prefented it felf, he Shipp'd him- felf, and away he went for the Eaft Indies ; we pro- mifing a conftant continuance of our affe6lions. But he being gone, it was not long, ere I found a ftrange

other Extravagants. 15

alteration in my body, being taken with pewkings, and vomitings, fuch as young Married folks are ufed to have ; whereupon I concluded, that I fhould foon have a great belly, which fo fell out ; but before that, I had a Husband to Father it.

Our Houfe being publique, we entertained all Comers ; amongft the reft, there came a Sayler, who had had the Fortune to meet with a prize ; and he for his own fhare had two hundred pounds Sterling. This was fo tall a Fortune as was unufual to be the pof- feffion of an ordinary Sayler ; and he chancing in at our houfe, my Father was very defirous to rid him of his mony : he acquainted my Mother with his purpofe, and told her, that this Fellow would make a very good Fortune for me their Daughter; and they might by means of this live more plentifully then ever. The Fellow foon expreffed a great deal of love for me, which my mother taking notice of, told me of her own and my Fathers intentions, and bid me prepare to en tertain his love, for they defigned him for my Hus band; fhe advifed me to be free and courteous to him, but by no means to let him proceed further then the ordinary civility. I promifed her all obedience, and fhewasvery diligent and watchful over me. My fweet heart was very fweet upon me, and would fain have been dealing with me, as Merchandize, bidding very fair for me, but I refolved to have all or none ; would not let him have a bit, but what was lawful : he being thus ftopt, was the more earneft ; and at length, ra ther than lofe me.agreed to have me at my own terms which was marriage ; which at length was fully a- greed upon. But my qualmes encreafing as did my belly.my Mother fufpe6led fomewhat was the matter, and thereforetook me ftri6lly to task; and fo wrought with me; that I confeffed I had been fporting with my

1 6 The Englifli Rogue : And Part 3.

former fweet-heart ; this news much ftartled her ; but fhe who had paffed many fuch brunts, foon found out a remedy ; and told me that if I would be wholly ru led by her, fhe would ftill warrant the bufmefs fliould go on profperoufly enough ; for, faid fhe, I will direct you to carry your felf, fo as the lofs of your Maiden head fhall not be difcovered ; and as for your great Belly, we will when you are marryed, fend your hus band to Sea before your time of delivery : and in the mean time, we will manage all matter cunningly e- nough. My Mother having thus encouraged me, I prepared for the wedding day, which was foon after appointed ; which being come, and night alfo, we went to bed ; and there my Bride-groom going about to enjoy me, I counterfeited all kinds of fimplicity; I cryed,fob'd, and fcreeked out ; and he had much ado, with puffing and blowing, and fweating, to poffefs himfelf of me. I had all the marks and fymptoms of untouch'd Virginity ; and the more to beguile him, notwithftanding all his fair words, and endeavours, I made fo great a noife as raifed my Mother; who com ing into our chamber, found me in fwound; from which fhe foon brought me, by rubbing me with Vi negar, and other Remedies ; and fhe perfwaded me to be patient, and defired him to deal kindly with me, u- fmg this Proverb; Gently, John, the Girls Young, She left us, and then with fomewhat more Patience I per mitted him to take his pleafure with me.

Thus was I marryed, and came off with all Credit imaginable ; but afterwards it did not proceed as we expected ; for my Husband being very fond of my company, would not by any means be perfwaded to leave me for the Sea; but intended, now he had gain ed money enough, to live on fhore. This resolution of his was very unpleafmg ; but I was forced to be

Part 3. oilier Extravagant*. 17

contended, and to provide againft the time of my de livery of my great Belly, which now came on a pace, and indeed was fomewhat fooner than I expected ; for I was taken one day with a fuddain pain, which much furprized my Mother ; for my Husband was in the Houfe, and hearing my cryes, would needs force his way into my Chamber ; where I was accompany- ed by my Mother, who was inftru6ling me what to do ; on his approach to the Bed, my pains encreafed, and a Child was born into the World ; but, that he might not difcover the fallacy, by the crying of the Child, I fmothered it; and lying ftill for fome fpace, my Mother perfwaded him to depart ; he being gone, my Mother fell to work ; and removed the Child, playing the Midwife in the beft manner fhe could; and all being buried, and /put into order, fhe told her Son in law, that thefe were extream fits of the Chollick, and would now they had begun, continue for fome dayes ; wherefore fhe defired him to take another Lodging, and let her lye with me : to this he hardly confented ; but at length, at both our importunities, he wascontent, and in ten dayes time, I ftill everyday counterfeited fits of groaning, but he feeing I fenfibly amended, would no longer forbear lying with me.

Thus did I efcape this misfortune, and came off with flying Colours, without the leaft fufpition ; fo that I was encouraged to proceed in further Roguries; which was the ruine of my Husband, and in which I had like to have been involved. I told you our houfc was for all Guefts ; and now by the addition of my H usbands money, which was employed in my Fathers Trade, to encreafe his flock, our houfe the beft fur- nifhed, was the beft cuftomed houfe in the Town ; a- mongft the reft, there came a Perfon of Honour, who had been a Traveller, and among his Attendants a

C

1 8 The Englifh Rogue: And

Negro, or Black-man, which he had brought from Guiana. This Black-more was reported by his Mafter and others, to be the Son of a Prince in his own Country ; I look'd on him with an affectionate and fmiling countenance ; which he perceiving, and alfo that I was handfome,much defired my company; and being Mafter of money enough to fpend on me, he had many opportunities of courting me ; at the firft, I examining what I wasabout to do drew back, think ing it a very ftrange thing to be kifs'd by a Black-more, but ufe brought it into Cuftom ; and I endured not on ly that, but alfo methought I had a minde to tafte of his flefh, perfwading my felf, that there would be more than ordinary fatisfaftion in that enjoyment ; and he finding me coming, fo profecuted his fuit, that it was not long ere I enjoyed him : I muft confefs much to my content, for nothing but his fparkling eyes was to be feen m the dark, which indeed were as fhining, as two ftars in a clear night ; and he was as much delighted with me : fo that we promifed to take all opportunities for enjoyment. The Lords bufmefs kept him there fo long, that we had fo much fport in jeft, as turned to earneft ; for I found my felf to be with child, and I did abfolutely believe that my Black- friend was the Father of it : this confideration put me into a deep melancholly; for we carried our bufi- nefs not fo privately, but that we were taken notice of, and fufpe6led by my Mother ; but much more by my Husband, whofe extreme love to me was conver ted into as extreme a jealoufie ; and he looked on my Black-friend with a great deal of horror.

I finding my felf with Childe, and doubting it was by him, a fancy poffeffed me, that I fhould bring forth a Black-More like the Father : this, I fay put me to a very great non-plus; and I endeavoured by all means

Part 3. otJier Extravagants. 19

to blind my Husband,and takeallfufpition from him: I told him, I believed I was with Child, this pleafed him ; but I alfo added, I doubted, I fhould not render him compleatly fatisfied : for that I had a very great fancy that the Child would be black, and I could give no reafon,but that the fight of my Lords Black-More was deeply imprinted in my fancy : I told him, I had read the ftory of a Black Queen and King, who had a Child that was white; and being fo born, was thru ft out of the King his Fathers Dominions, for no other caufe but becaufe he was white; and the Queen his Mother hardly efcaped the fury of her Husband, who fhrewdly fufpec^ed her guilty of Adultry with fome white-man, becaufe the Child was fo. This faid I, was the Crime laid to her charge ; and it feemed fo reafon- able to him and all his Nobility ; that notwithftand- ing the Queen was alwayes efteemed to be a vertuous woman, yet (he hardly efcaped with her life. But at length, a wife man of that Kingdome coming to the Court, and hearing of the matter, and that the Queen was banifhed as well as her Son ; he, faid I, walking about the Court, and coming into the Kings Bed-cham ber, there faw the Pi6lure of a fair white-woman, which had,as great rariety, been prefented to the King he then remembring the unfortunate cafe of the Queen, did really believe that the fight of that white Picture had occafioned the Queen to conceive and bring forth a white Child. Being thus convinced, and perfwaded in his own opinion, he was not long be fore he perfwaded the King to the fame ; and the Queen having been alwayes of an unblemifht repu tation, it was concluded by the King, and all the No bility, that the Queen was innocent : and thereupon the banifhment was repealed.and both received home with great joy, ftate, and honour ; and this Son, after

C 2

2O The EngliJIi Rogiic : And Part 3.

hisFathersdeceafe,was crowned, and reigned Kingof the Place. Now fweet-heart, (aid I, this being fo, and fancy having fo ftrong an operation in the womb by the only fite of a Pi6lure, I cannot but imagine that the real prefence of one may work much more and greater effects, efpecially fmcel find a very great inclination not only to love, but long for black things ; black cherries, I affecT: extreamly, as alfo damfons, floes, & black-bullies ; I chiefly feed on black puddings; and it is not very long, faid I, fince I longed for a black hat, and did eat it up every bit: and now I have lately had a great defire to a difh of butter'd char coal.

This difcourfe wrought varioufly with my Hus band, who, although he did fomewhat fufpecl: me, yet would he take no great notice at prefent, but told me, that furely this was but fancy, and would in the end amount to nothing : I was content with his an- fwer ; but knowing his mind flood thereto bent, I firft propounded, that the Black-more fhould depart our houfe, or elfe that I might remove from home to fome other place, to fee, if by his abfence the fancy would leave me : to this he willingly agreed ; and in re gard to move for the Black-more's departure until his Lord went alfo, would not only raife fufpi- cious Difcourfes, but turn to our disadvantage, by reafon they were good Guefts ; we therefore refolved that I fhould remove four or five miles from home ; the which I did the next day ; but my departure was not fo fecret, but that I gave notice thereof to my beloved Black-more, who promifed not to be long be fore he took the opportunity of giving me a viflt ; the which he did unfeen of any, I letting him in at a back Garden door; and thither he ufually came to me once in two or three days : we fometimes fpent fome

Part 3. otfier Extravagants. 21

hours together in a Banqueting-houfe in the Garden ; and at laft grew fo bold, as to fpend whole nights in bed together ; fo that my Husband, who forely fuf- pe£led me, was refolved to watch my waters ; and one Evening miffing the Black-more, who was then come to me, he at midnight departed ; and coming to the back door whereat the Black-more entred, he finding it open, entered, faw the Candle in my Chamber, and I believe could hear our voyces, but knew not how to enter without great noife ; wherefore, now refolving in his mind what to do, he waited till the morning, walking about the Garden ; but in regard the Black- more had fome affairs of his Lords that morning to difpatch, he arofe early, and left me ; I fhut faft the door, and left him ; no fooner was he down, but my angry Husband with a drawn fword meets him ; he feeing and knowing him, gueffed his purpofe, likewife quickly draws ; and they running upon one anothers fwords, foon bereft each other of life.

22 The Englipi Rogue ; And Part 3.

CHAP. III.

The Old Woman relates, tliatJier Husband and Black- friend having killed one another, Jhe removes her lodging, and is brought to bed of a young Black-more, which JJie likewife murtliereth; and tlien again re- movingJier quarters, and palfing for a maid, is mar ried to a y oung Inn-keeper ; who, injtead of her, Iiad a maid fervant for his Bed fellow ; who being both fleepy,JJiefets fire of the Houfe ; and then pretend ing to fetch water at tlie Well, tumbles her in, wJiere Jhe is drowned.

THus, faid Mrs.Dorot/ty,did the old Hagg give me an account of her mifchievous beginning ; and indeed, in the profecution of her ftory, fhe acquainted me with fo many horrible actions, that I was agaft; and wondered that the Earth did not open,to fwallow up a wretch fo monftroufly wicked ; but I think, faid fhe, by what I have faid, I have told you enough to know her, and therefore fhall pafs over the reft of her actions in filence: nay, faid I, Mrs. Dorothy, fmce you have begun to give us fo fair an account of the foul aflions of this your wicked acquaintance, I fhall de- fire you to take the pains to proceed therein. Truly, faid Mrs. Mary, although I have known many wretched People in my dayes, yet I never heard of the like ; and I fuppofe by what you have already recount ed, that all you have further to fay will be both re markable, admirable, and pleafant (if we may ac count that pleafant which is fo mifchievoufly, and wickedly witty ;) and therefore I, as well as our

Part 3. other Extravagant*. 23

friend here, defire you to continue your relation ; and if you will take the pains, we will have the patience to hear you to the leaft particular. Mrs. Dorothy be ing thus requefted by us both, replyed, that fhe fhould be content to grant our defires, but then we muft have a great deal of patience.and pardon thofe impertinent ignorances that fhe fhould be forced to recount, in re lating fo many notable and various adventurous acti ons of another : We told her, we fhould willingly attend, and excufe her in all ; and thereupon fhe thus continued.

Although (faid this old Trot) my Husband, and my black friend had quickly difpatch't their bufmefs, by thus difpatching one another, yet they were nei ther fo fudden nor fo filent, but I both heard and faw them tilt at one another with their fwords, which were bathed in each others heart blood ; and fo they fell, grinning at each other with horrible Countenances and they lay fo clofe together, that they could catch hold of one another, and fight with their hands, their fwords being fheathed in one anothers bodies ; but this conteft could not, neither did it laft long, their hearts being fuffocated with Blood, and fo in fhort time they both expired ; which I difcovered by the noife of hollow groans : and thus continued fhe, was I deprived of a Friend, and a Husband. I was ftartled at the prefent, but confidering what was to be done, went to bed, and lay there till fome of the houfe came and bounc'd at my Chamber door; I fuffered them to con tinue knocking for fome time, as if I had been afleep ; but they growing more furious by reafon of my fi- lence, were ready to break open the door, when I jumped out of my bed, and in my fmock opening the door, asked them what was the caufe of their vio lent knocking; they replyed, they were glad to fee me

24 The EngliJJi Rogue ; And Part 3.

alive, which they much doubted, by reafon of my filence, and having feen fuch a doleful fight as was then in the Garden : I feeming ignorant of all, defired them to explain themfelves, and acquaint me with their meaning ; they were not long then ere they had told me, that my Husband and the Black-more who quartered at my Fathers, were both dead in the Gar den : I was amazed, ran then to the window, and there beheld what I too well knew already ; and then cryed out, and in lamentable and furious manner threw my felf on the floor, tearing my hair, and making great lamentation ; by this time the Conftable and other Neighbors were come, but could not get any thing out of me to difcover any knowledge of the fa6l. J feemed a ftranger to all; and fo the Bodies being re moved, word was fent to my Father and Mother, who quickly came thither; but finding me, as the reft, to pre tend ignorance, nothing could be done; butthePeople conjectured varioufly, and though they could not ac- cufe me as the murtherer, yet I was fhrewdly fufpe6l- ed to be the caufe ; they judging the truth as it was : but however, I was without the compafs of the law, and therefore efcaped all trouble.

Their Bodies were foon after buried, and I thought it abfolutely neceffary to abfcond my felf, left (the time of child bearing being near approaching, I might be further difcovered by the Complexion of the child, which I did verily believe would be black ; and there fore I left my Fathers houfe, and went to an obfcure Village about ten miles off; I took up my lodging with an old Woman of my Mothers acquaintance, pretending a great melancholly fince the death of my Husband, and therefore avoided all Company: I had all along attempted to deftroy the Child in my Womb, and to that end I had taken Savine, and many

Part 3. otJter Extravagants. 2$

other drugs and potions, and ufmg to jump, and leap, and wraftle, to caufe my felf to mifcarry, but all in vain ; fo that in fine, I was forced to ufe the fame re medy I had done, and fmother the Child fo foon as it was born ; I had all poffible conveniences to do it, whilft the Midwife, who lived at fome diftance, was not much looked after, although it was fomewhat black, which was now taken to be fo, only by reafon of its ftrugling for paffage ; and wanting a Mid-wife, I caufed it to be quickly nail'd up in a box, and fo with little trouble paffed over the difficulty of this affair : my Mother foon came to me, and accommodated me, with every thing fit for my condition, fo that it was not long ere I perfectly recovered ; and I having no mind to return to my Fathers nor to ftay in that place, caufed my Mother to provide me with a gentile habit; and money in my pocket, and being thus fitted, went twenty miles further, to the houfe of another of my Mothers acquaintance; and havingbeenfo unfortunate with aHusband.was refolved not to own that ever I had been married, but to pafs for a maid ; which I might well enough do, not being yet above eighteen years of age. My beauty then was fo charming, that I quickly gained many adorers ; and it being given out that I was a Virgin, and of a good fortune, had ma ny Sutors in earneft,that woed me in the honeft terms of marriage. Having the choice of feveral, I was the more coy ; but in the end, there was one, who was an I nn-keeper,whofe Father being lately dead, and left a handfome competency, him I accepted of, but with great jealoufie and fufpition of my felf; left he was a cunning youngfter, fhould difcover the want of my Virginity. I was fenfible it would be no difficult matter for him to finde me out, but

26 The Englifli Rogue \ And Part 3.

I was refolved to try my Wits, and prevent his difcovery : to this end I delayed my marriage for fome time, till I could bring my matters to pafs ; which (faid me) I did in this manner.

There was a Servant-Maid in the Houfe, whom I ufually had for my Bed-fellow, andwithher I wasvery free in all my difcourfe, acquainting her with all paf- fages between me and my Sweethearts; and many plea- fing difcourfes we had upon thofe occafions, and com monly we fpent fome hours every night when we were in Bed, in thefe Conferences : I asking her which of my Sweet-hearts was the beft,and liklieft to prove a good Husband; me and I both jumped in one mind, and fhe feemed to rejoyce at the good Fortune I was likely to enjoy, in having fohandfome, and accomplim'd aPer- fon,as hewaswithwhom I was to be Married; faying, that of all men breathing,fhe never faw one whom, me thought, fhe could love better ; and adding, that fhe would give all the money in her Pocket to have my place on the Wedding Night. Well, thought I, are you there? Tie be with you anon. Truly faid fhe, I am a perfect Maid, not having yet had to do with any Man ; and for deed, nay, for thought and word, untill this time, was a pure Virgin; but methinks,fmcel faw your Sweetheart, I have fuch pleafing imaginations, that I could willingly experiment the effects; but, con tinued fhe, I hope you will take all this in good part, and not be jealous of me, for I fhall not in the leaft in jure you, no, though your Sweet-heart fhould defire it ; befides, my Quality and condition is fo much be neath yours, that it would be but a folly to expect it : but fhall wifh you all happinefs with your beloved Bridegroom. She having opened her mind thus freely to me, it was the thing I only aimed at, and above all things wifh'd for j and therefore, that I might now

Part 3. other Extravagants. 27

ftricke while the Iron was hot, I thus replyed ; come, come, do not counterfeit more Modefty than needs, but tell me truely, and fmcerely, if I can find a way to com- pafs your defires ; and be therewith content, and will ing, will you obey me in what I fhall defire of you ? This is a ftrange propofition, faid fhe, and I believe far from your heart to do, and only to try me farther ; but I pray let us talk no more of this matter.

I quickly anfwered,that I was now in earneft, and would (if fhe would fwear to me to be fecret) dif- cover a fecret that was of the higheft importance, and that then all things would be as fhe had wifhed ; fhe wondringwhat I meant, and being defirous (as all wo men are inquifitive after fecrets) to difcover mine, foon made many proteftations and vows, to be fecret in what ever I fhould impart to her; and thereupon I told her, that indeed about twelve moneths fince, being in my fathers houfe, a Gentleman of quality lodg ing there, and having divers times courted me ; and I alwayes refufmg to hear him ; and being very ob- ftinate, notwithftanding all his endeavours by Prefents, and otherwife ; he, I faid being who- ly impatient, and refolved to venture all for my enjoyment, took his opportunity, and came to bed to me; I feeling him near me, cry'd out but in vain, for my Lodging was at too great a diftance from any bodyes hearing ; and fo in the end, notwithftanding my ftriving, and ftrugling, he had his will of me ; and indeed, to tell youthetruth,the danger of thebrunt be ing over, and I well knowing that what was pad could not be recalled, was, in the end, willing a fecond, or third time, to permit him the fame enjoyment ; and fo he went away in the Morning well fatisfied,and I bet ter pleas'd than when he came to me. I was refolved to keep this from the knowledge of my Parents, and

28 The Englijh Rogue ; And Part 3.

did fo, though he offered me Marriage, which would have been advantageous enough for me, he being, as I faid, a Perfon of Quality ; but however, he continued his practice with me all the time of his ftay at my Fa thers, which was twoMoneths ; and then he departing, promifed a fudden return, and that he would then dif- cover himfelf to my Father, and requeft me in Marri age ; I trufted to his fair words, and permitted his de parture; buthehad not been long abfent ere I perceiv ed my felf to be with Child : I kept this from the knowledge of all, fo long as I could ; but in the end, my Mother fufpe<5ling me, charged me fo roundly, that I confeffed the Fa6l ; fhe thereupon took the beft remedyfhecould,and unknown to myFather.fent me away to a Friend of hers, where I lay in of a Child, which foon after dying, and I recovered, I again re moved hither, where what hath befaln me you already know as well as I ; and now, my dear Friend, faid I, the cafe being thus, you may do me a great kindnefs, and pleafe your felf, as you fay, by taking my place on the Wedding-night ; and he lying with you in my ftead maybe deceived, and take me for a pure Virgin ; whereas otherwife I am in much doubt to be difcover- ed,in regard, that not only I have loft my Maidenhead, but have alfo lately had a Child.

My Bed-fellow gave diligent attendance to what I had related, and after I had fatisfied her how fhe fhould behave her felf in every refpe6l, fhe confented to take my turn. My bufmefs being in this forwardnefs, I quickly confented to clap up the bargain with my Sweet-heart ; and the Wedding-day being come, we were accordingly Married ; and at Bed time I went to Bed with my Bride-groom, but feigning Modefty, com manded all to depart the Room ; which they did, leav ing one Candle burning ; I feeing the Company gone,

Part 3. other Extravagants. 29

leap'd out of the Bed to put the Candle out ; which I did, and then, accordingtoappointment,theMaid, who was ready in her fmock behind the Hangings, quickly got into the Bed, and enjoyed my place ; I ftaid in the Chamber, and could well enough difcoverall paflages between them, and how fhemade fome faint refiftance; but not long it was ere they fe,ll a fleep, and flept fo long, that I was at a very great ftand what to do, left day-light fhould come ere fhe fhould awake, and then be feen by my Husband, and I difgraced and loft for ever ; I ruminated in my mind many wayes ; at laft I was refolved to proceed to violence, and hazard all, rather than lofe my credit ; and therefore feeing they ftill flept on, I went out of the Chamber into the next ; wherewith the help of a Tinder-box, I ftruck a light ; and getting a Torch, and lighting it, fet fire on fome part of the houfe, which foon encreafed to a great flame ; I then made no great difficulty to make a noife, and cry out fire, fire ; this was foon feen, fmelt, and heard by my droufie bedfellows, who both arofe ; and I being there, caught hold of him, as if I had lain with him ; and his bedfellow being now a little come to her felf, and feeing me, began to confider what fhe was to clo ; and ran where her cloaths were, put them on, and then came to help me to mine.

My Husband, and all the reft of the Family being thus raifed, ran about for water to quench the fire ; I being left alone with my Husbands Bed-fellow, could have found in my heart to have killed her with a Sword there in the Cham ber : becaufe fhe had been the occafion of all this mifchief ; and the thoughts of that, and re- membring what hurt fhe might do me hereafter, in difcovering my fecrets or, at leaft, in being my

30 TJte Englijh Rogue ; And Part 3.

Co-rival ; thefe Confiderations made me refolve to difpatch her into the other world ; and there fore defiring her to go down with me into the Yard to fetch water at the Well, fhe did fo ; where I fpying my opportunity, in the abfence of the reft of the Family, as fhe was (looping to draw Water, I turned her head forwards into the Well ; where, before any came to help her, fhe was dead. I pretended to bewail her misfortunes ; but the fire, by the afiftance of fome Neighbours, being now quench'd, we all retired into that part of the Houfe that was un- burn'd ; where every one lamented, not only the mis fortune of the fire, but that of the Maids death ; in which I alone was principally concerned.

CHAP. IV.

She being at home with her Husband, is Cotirtedby Gal lants; one of which Cuckolds him ; She is outwitted by her Gallant, and cheated of a Gown, and three Rings; Jhe is Courted by another Gallant, and they Jludy a Revenge on thefirft; which Jhe executes, by ap pointing the fir Jl to come to Bed to Jier; where her Hus band, by her appointment, was in tier Jlead; who tak ing him in the manner, foundly whips him; in the mean time Jhe is in Bed with her nezv Gallant.

THE next day after our unfortunate Wedding- night, all Perfons concerned began to reckon up their lofles ; in which, neither I, nor my Husband fuf- fered but little ; for he had nothing there but the Clothes on his back, and I only had mine, and a Trunk

Part 3. otJier Extravagant*. 31

of Clothes, and Linnen, which were fafe. Our Land lord loft fome of his Goods, and an hundred pounds would not repair the damage the Houfe had fuftained by the fire ; he therefore complained much of his lof- fes : but his lamentations were not equal to thofe of an Old Woman, who lived in the Town, and was the Mother of the Unfortunate Maid, whom I had fo treacheroufly, and ungratefully murthered : I was al- moft as joyful as fhe was fad, that I was rid of fo dangerous a Corrival, whom I had entrufted with my greateft fecrets.

The diforders of this Houfe caufed us to quit it fooner than we intended ; for that very day we re moved to my Husbands Habitation, which was not above four Miles diftant,and there we Lodged, where that nightl received thofeimbracesfrommyHusband which were very pleafing, to me, and then all things were as well fixed as I could defire ; only my Mothers coming was every day expected, I having given her notice of my Tranfactions by Letters : Shecameinfew dayes, and that not empty-handed ; for fhe brought an hundred pounds in ready money with her : this, fhe told her new fon-in-law, was but part of a greater Sum, my Father and fhe intended for my Portion ; al though my Husband expected five hundred pounds with me (I having given out that I fhould have fo much) yet he was content with this for the prefent; and this money was part of what was left me of my first Husbands. During the flay of my Mother, we kept open Houfe ; and giving up our felves to all man ner of mirth, I found my Husband to be but an eafie Coxcomb, and one whom I thought I fhould out-wit, andover-rule ; he was much inclinedtogameing; and, as the fortune of the Dice went, he fometimes won, and

32 The Englijh Rogue ; And Part 3.

loft again as often ; at which he would be fomewhat wafpifh and griping : and what he loft by gameing, he would get up again out of large Reckoning, and tricks he would put upon his Guefts, who now were more in number than formerly; for it being given out, that he was Married, and that to one that was handfom, all the Countrey came in upon us; efpecially all the roar ing Lads, who fpent higheft, came all to fee, and pre- fent their ferviceto their Land-lady ; and as a Citizens fhop is never fo well furnifhed, as when a handfome Wife is placed in a varnifht feat ; even fo is an Inn keepers Barr ; and doth draw in Cuftomers, all in hopes to have a lick at her honey pot ; and although a Woman be never fochafte,and the Guefts finde it fo, yet if me be but handfome, her company is ftill defi- red ; but you know my temper fo well, that you may guefs I mould not hold out a feven years fiege, if I were but once bravely affaulted ; but withall, I refol- vedto beas cunningasallmyObfervationshad taught me, and not be like a Glove for every ones drawing on. If I had any Servants, I refolved they mould be of the beft ; and thofe I counted fo, who wore moft money in their Pockets , I had my choice of feveral of that kind ; and though I still counterfeited a great Modeftyyet I was treated, and regalia'd both at home and abroad ; there was no fport, or divertifements, but I made one of the Company ; no fair near our Town but I vifited, being conducted thither by one Gallant or other : where I had feveral Fairing prefen- ted me. I had my Husbands confent to all my acti ons, for I ftill acquainted him with all; and when I was carried to any place, I told him every particular, and caufed him to meet me at the place and time ap pointed ; without which I pretended a mighty un- willingnefs ; and this I did, that he might put the greater confidence in me.

Part 3. other Extravagant*. 33

This trade I did drive for a long time, without joyning iffue with any of my Gallants, and they gain ed no more upon me than a kifs, or a languishing look, which I fometimes caft upon them to caufe them to believe that in time they might arrive to the height of their defires; and for thefe my kind looks I was as kindly rewarded ; they presenting me with Gloves Scarffs, Hoods, Rings and Cabinets, and fuch like Womanifh toyes, and all in hopes that they might toy with me, as in fine they did : I had feveral of thefe Gameflers, but one above all the reft was moft in my favour, he having been the moft prodigal in expences upon me; I gave him full freedome with me, and I cornuted this as well as I had done my other Hus band ; he fpent much of his time in gaming, and was very earned at it with his Guefts : and while he was at his game, I and my Gallant were at ours. My friend for his greater pretence of freedom in our houfe, would humour my Husband, and Game with him, and lofe his money ; for indeed my Husband was at that fport the better Gamefter, although my friend pleafed me better at the other ; by thefe extravagancies of his, and his loffes at Gameing, he in time came to a low ebb of money in his pocket, and was necefTitatedrto withdraw, and leffen his expences; fo that he was not fo welcome to me or my Husband as he had been : for I was of the Old Womans Opinion, No longer Pipe, no longer Dance : as he avoided expences I fhunn'd his Company; and having Friends enoughwhodefired to be my Cuftomers, I endeavoured to be rid of him. He ftill continued his wonted freedome, and defiring my Company abroad ; and fo confident he was grown, that he would ask my husbands leave, who had not yet refufed him ; and therefore a Comedy be ing to be adted at a Town not far off, he gained my

D

34 T/te Englijli Rogue; And Part 3.

company to go with him ; I had other company that I liked better than his, but I could not fhift him off, although I very much endeavoured it.

The Play being done, he defiredto treat me private ly, which I accepted of, having a defign to manage that was newly come in my head, and which was this: I had feen a Gentlewoman at the Play, who had a new filk Gown, of a pretty colour and fafhion, I was refolved to beg fuch another of him, and in cafe of refufal, to break with him totally : I therefore took my opportunity, and whenhedefired his wonted free dom with me, I told him he was miftaken, and I abfo- lutely refufed, and forbid him turning up any more Coats then he was willing to pay for: he asked what I meant by my difcourfe and refufal : I told him un- lefs he would give mefuch a new Gown as I prefcribed to him, he fhould have no more to do with me : my Gentleman was as blank as a Bell founder, and his courage was fomewhat cooled at my demands ; fo that he foon arofe, and walked up and down in a mufmg pofture ; at length he fpake, and made fome excufes and paufes : but I being refolved on the queftion, told him, that he hadforbornhisPenfion a great while, and therefore I was refolved he fhould be the more libe ral, and that I would totry his love by performing that requeft ; if he would not grant my defires, I would alfo refufe him his ; but if he would give me fuch a Gown, he fhould ftill oblidge me, and have the firft taking of it up . Come, come, faid he, you and I will not fall out for fuch a matter as that, and you fhall have it, or any thing elfe that is in my power, or in deed that you can wifh for; and within thefe three dayes I will fend it you, on condition that I may have a full nights lodging with you, well, replyed I, be you fo good as your word, and I will order the matter fo, as

Part 3. other Extravgants. 35

you fhall have your defire : and thus we having clapt up a bargain, concluded the difcourfe with two or three kiffes ; and fo after a considerable repaft, we re turned home, and there we parted ; he to contrive how to be fo good as his word, and I to order my Husbands abfence, that we might lye together, as I had promifed.

My Gallant examining the matter, found that at prefent the ftrength of his Pocket would not be fuffi- cientto accomplifhhisdefire,and therefore he fupply- ed that defect by the ftrength of wit ; hevifited the Gentlewoman who was owner of the Gown, and be ing of her acquaintance, he requefted her to let him have her Gown to fhew a Taylor to make fuch ano ther by for a Sifter of his ; his defires being modeft were the fooner granted ; and a Taylor of his ac quaintance receiv'd it of her, and immediately at his commands brought itto me, I accepted it with a frnile- ing countenance, and giving him a fmall piece of Mo ney for his pains, difmifs'd him; when foon after my friend likewife followed ; and my Husband being ab- fent.we concluded that night to devote our f elves holy to Venus\ and he being us'd to lye at our houfe, it was no great difficulty for him to quit his bed and come to mine, where we fpent all that night in all thofe amorous enjoyments that we could devife : but he thinking he had paid dear for his nights pleafure, was refolved to have fomething more into the bar gain ; and that he might engage me another time, if I fell out with him, as he forefaw I would ; wherefore he taking his opportunity when I was afleep, flipt no lefs then three of my Rings off from my fingers, and put them on his ; and early in the morning he left me and my Bed, and went into his own : and having be fore contrived now to play his Cards, he went to the

36 The EngliJJi Rogue ; And Part 3.

Taylor, and adviied him to come to me, and tell me he had forgot to finifh fomewhat that was very ne- ceffary, and had been omitted to be done in the Gown, and therefore he was come to fetch it, that it might be mended, and he might havenodifgraceby his work; I being without all fufpition, and feeing indeed there were fome defects, which he fhewed me, delivered it to him, defireing him to make hofte with it, becaufe I intended to have it home before my Husbands return, and then to tell him that my Father had fent it me; but I reckond before my H oft; for although I waited two or three dayes, and fent to the Taylor, and asked my falfe friend, yet I could have none, but idle excufes and flafhes ; fo that in conclufion I found my felf cheated ; for as I underftood afterwards, the Gown was prefently fent home to the right owner ; whom I faw wear it the next funday ; and then knew it, by fome particular marks to be the fame. This paffage vexed me to the heart ; but I was three times more angry when I miffed my Rings, and upon examinati on found that he hadbeguil'd me of them ; and indeed for further confirmation, I faw them upon his fingers; this (faid fhe) extreemly perplexed and inraged me ; fo that then I converted all my love into (its contra ry) hatred, and ftudyed nothing fo much, as how to compafs revenge. He finding that I was angred, re frained my Company at prefent.and that gave oppor tunity to another, who had long time courted me at a diftance, to lay a clofer fiege to me ; and he fo far prevailed with me, what with gifts, treats and prefents, that I promifed him that in fhort time he fhould reap the fruits of his defired Harvefb ; but I was refolved to make him inftrumental in my revenge upon my a- bufier ; and to that end I thus broke the matter to him.

Part 3. other Extravagants. 37

Sir, your friendfhip and love I very much efteem; and believing you to be fmcere, and one in whofc breaft I may repofe truft and confidence ; I fhall dif- cover fomewhat to you, that may for the future be of good confequence to us both ; and it is this : I be lieve you have not been fo dim fighted, but you have obfcrved more than common familiarity between me and Mr. fuch a one, naming my abufive Lover ; fome prefents he hath given me, for which he expected more freedomewith me than I was willing to impart; but I ftill kept him at a diftance, although he preffed hard upon me to enjoyment ; which I not thinking fit at prefent to permit, he began to clamour, at length through his importunities, I confented he mould lye with me at fuch a time,onconditionhegavemefuch a filk Gown as I named ; to this he agreed, and fent in the Gown accordingly: now it fo fell out, that I could not perform what he expected, and therefore delay'd him for a fewdayes longer.till my Husband mould be abfent, promifmg then to keep touch with him ; but whether he not believing me, or elfe the neceffity of returning the Gown, which he had but borrowed, as I fince found; one or both thefe reafons induced him to be falfe to me, and by a while he got the Gown out of my hands ; and he was not content with doing that only, but he alfo intending to abufe me further, when we were toying together, cheated me of three of my rings ; which he as a Trophy of his Viflory, and my weaknefs and fliame, ftill wears on his fingers ; and I fear he is fo prodigal and lavifh of his tongue, as to bray to his acquaintance, that he had thofe as my gifts for unhandfome fervice done me.

Thus did I difguife the truth of my dealings with my abufive Lover, and having given my new one this account, defi ring his affiftance in a revenge: to this he

38 The Englijh Rogue \ And Part 3.

quickly anfwered, that as for the Gown I had been fo out-witted in, he would make up that lofs, by giving me another; and fo he would alfo for the rings, if I pleafed ; or elfe compel my abufive lover to de liver them ; and in all things elfe he would vindicate my credit. I replyed to him, that I would not have any compulfion, for that would make too much noife ; but rather have his affiftance in my revenge, which I had thus contrived.

I would have him poffefs my Husband with jealoufie againft my abufive Lover, and leave the reft to my or- dring, which I managed thus : I gave my abufive Friend more freedom, & fhewed a kinder Countenance than I had done of late, & that only to draw him on, which I did with much eafe, for he had a great defire to be friends with me, and upon our firft convenient parley, he confeffed himfelf guilty, & made fome trivial excu- fes, which I admitted of, as I did his love, in hopes to gain my rings, and a revenge ; as for the rings, he prefently returned me one, and promifed the other two the third night following, when I agreed to lye with him, promifmg io to order the matter, that my Husband fhould be then out of the houfe ; we after this parley parted, and my new friend had fo dealt with my Husband, in difcovering my abufive Friends freenefs and privacy with me, that he now became ab- folutely jealous, and intended to make me fenlible of his anger ; but I knowingwhere the (hooewrunghim, was before hand, and the next night told him, that if he did not take fome fpeedy courfe, I was in danger, and he too, to be abufed by my abufive Lover ; for faid I, he hath gotten two of my rings, and (hews them abroad, reporting he had them of me, as tokens of my dimonour; and to me hewill not deliver them, un-

Part 3. other Extravagants. 39

lefs I will promife him a nights lodging : now faid I, if you have a mind to fave my honour, your own, and revenge us both on him, I will thus do ; I will feeming- lyconfent that he fhall come to bed to me to morrow night, and to that end, I will have you pretend to go out of Town ; but inftead of your going, I will go to fuch a friends houfe.and there Tie ftay ; you fhall lye in my Bed, and at the hour I will appoint him he will come to bed to you, when you and your friends, and fervants, I hope takinghim in the manner, will fo handle him, as he fhall have little caufe to boaft of his nights lodging; and you and I fhall be fufficiently revenged on him for thus attempting my Chaftity.

To all this difcourfe my Husband gave very good attention ; and it correfponding with what he fuf- pefled.he nowwhollyquitted any fufpitious thoughts of me, and agreed to execute all I had propounded; fo that when the time came, my Husband pretended to lye out, took his leave of me, and my abufive Friend, who was glad of his abfence : I made hafte with him to bed, telling him about ten a Clock he might come fafely into my Chamber, and bed which he knew well enough, not to miftake the way. I then left him, and taking horfe, went to my new friend, who expe6led me at our appointed Rendevouz, where he prefented me with the defired Gown, and I according to my promife, gave him a nights lodging with me, which was much more pleafant to us both, than was that of my abufive Friend ; who at the hour appointed, went to my Chamber, and into the Bed where my husband was expecting him ; he believing it was I, began his embraces, and other actions, declaring his intent ; with that my husband leap'd out of the Bed, and four good Old Women of my Friends, who were hid un der the bed.difcovered them felves, and having a dark

4O The EngliJJi Rogue; And Part 3.

Lanthorn, lighted the Room, and fell to work : firft, they tyed his hands and feet to the ports of the Beds Head and feet ; and then each being provided with a good handful of Birch laid on luftily, till he roar'd fufficiently ; my Husband making offer to geld him : but when it came to that point, he begg'd fo heartily, that my Husband confented to his defire, only he paid the two rings he had of mine, as ranfome for his Jewels.

CHAP. V.

Her abufcd and whipt Lover vows revenge, which is done in part ; afterwards he is kill'd, yet kills his Corrival : the manner how, with other things very remarkable.

NEver did the Canicular dayes infufe into Dogs a greater madnefs and fury, than did this whip ping in Loves School inragetheminde of our fufficient ly jerkt Amorift ; which for the prefent (whilft un der his Chirurgions hands) he durft not exprefs ; for all that he could do, was to fupplicate them not to de prive him of what would make him ftand as a Neuter between the Sexes of humane Generation ; which they granted him.

With much hazard, and greater fear, efcaping their hands, only in his fhirt, without fhooe or flocking, he got out into the ftreets ; and being overjoy'd that he was fecure, but had the black mantle of night to con ceal his fhame, and convey him home, without the knowledge of the Town inhabitants, ran through the

Part 3. other Extravagants. 41

ftreets with all fpeed imaginable ; but, by the way, meeting with a fharp ftone, it fo hurt his foot, that he was compell'd to flacken his pace, and lamely limp to his lodging. The Clock had then ftruck twelve (an hour wherein fuppofed Bugg-bears walk, to frighten Children) as he could fee juft before him two women, whom a third had raifed from their warm beds by her inceffant cries, proceeding from the intolerable pains fhethenindured, being readyto bedelivered, to haften to call up a fourth, viz. a Midwife. Hafte on both fides had madethemfo careleflyheedlefs in their way, that they were within a fpit and a ftride of each other, before theycould difcern one the other. Mycheating, and cheated Leacherperceived the women firft, which puthimto aftand,what hewere beft to do, either togo forward, or backward ; they, on the other fide, feeing a thing all in white ftandoppofitintheirwayjudgedit to bethetroubledfpiritof the lately difeafed Husband of this woman they were going to fetch the Midwife for. He, on the other hand, refolved to go forward ; and they feeing him approach them (skreeking out) ran back as fail as they could; who being ftopt by the watch,and demanded why they madethathideousout- cry, made anfwer, they had met the Devil, or fome thing like him. Condemning the womens idle and cauflefs fears (as they judged) they advanced for wards, armed with Bills, Halberts, but principally with anunparallell'd refolution. My Gallant had ftept into a by-corner, when the woman cried out to fecure himfelf from what might enfue that unexpected allarum, fully refolved to run home to his lodging directly, with what fpeed he might; heftartedout juft as the Watch were advanc'd within half Piftol-fhot of him ; the fudden furprize confirmed them in the wo mens report, fo that, without confi deration there was

42 The EngliJJi Rogue ; And Part 3.

not one of thefe defperate Kill-Devils to be feen, but fuch as with a too precipitate hafte, lay tumbling in the Kennel, one over the other. This accident gave new wings to my Lovers feet, which were fo benumm'd with cold, that he very much flood in need of fuch Icarian practices, Dcedalian inventions.

In conclufion, with much knocking, he made a fhift to get in. His Landlady (who was a Widow) fee ing him in this condition, charg'd him home, asking, Where he had been, how he came thus to lofe his skin ? Whether he had been robb'd ? Though wanting Garments, yet he would not be without a Cloak to hide this Venereal enterprize of his, and therefore replied,That falling into ill company, it was his ill hap to fall into that damn'd itch, that tickling humour of playing ; that having won fomething, and like to win more, they would not let him play longer, butfeizinghim,ftripthim,andwouldhavedone, I know not what, had not his flight procured his fafety.

His loving Landlady believing that he was thus really abufed, conducts him to her own warm bed, and like a kind friend would not let him lie alone, for fear of catching cold. But his Breech was fo fore, he could not lie on his back ; and fo troubled were his thoughts, he had no mind to lie upon his belly. His Landlady finding him fo backward, imagined the caufe to proceed from his being too forward abroad with others, and gathered by too many apparent fymptoms, that (he was much deceived in his pre tended continencie at home; and being hartilyvext to be thus difappointed of her expectations, fhe leapt out of bed, telling him angrily, fhe had more lodgings and Lodgers in herhoufe, and would not be beholden to him for either ; and had fhe known fo much before fhe did let him in, as fhe hath done fmce, fhe would

Part 3. other Extravagants. 43

have tried how the cooling Julip of ftanding in the ftreet all night in his fhirt, would have wrought with his feaverifh concupifcence.

Netled he was to the purpofe to hear his Landlady (who had ever fmce their firft acquaintance born him a more than common kindnefs and refpe6l)thus taunt at him ; but his thoughts were fo abfolutely taken up with a fubject of another nature, that he returned her not one word; which fo exafperated her fpirits, not to be replyed unto; that laying afide difcretion,with her modefty.fhewasrefolved to ringhim a peal in the ear- raUing-Rhetorickdi Billing/gate. How now, (faidfhe) is it not enough that my Servants, from time to time, have fate up late, or rather early, but that I muft be difturb'd from my reft, to give repofe to a reftlefsS/Vz/- lion ? Shall my roof prove the Protector to fuch Catcr- wawlingNight-walkers? Is it not enough, that I have furnifhed you continually with money, but you muft ungratefully make that the Common-procurer of your private Veneries abroad, and thofe gawdy Clothes I gave you muft be the Gentleman UJlicr that muft lead you to them ? Are all your former refpec~ls come to this? are your hot pretences grown fo cold at home, that nothing can warm them, but a fire in another mans Chimney, made there at my expences ? She would have proceeded, but that her clamorous tongue interrupted her, by raifmg one of Her Lodgers, who came down at that inftant, to know what the matter was; when my Come-Rogue, not induring her rallery longer, rudely bid her, rather than gently defired her to go to bed ; begging that fhe would not trouble him after that manner, charging her with incivility, for difturbing him from his reft.

The Gentleman, that came down the ftairs, hearing this ; and judging fhe had proftitutcd thofe kindneffes

44 The Englifli Rogue ; And Part 3.

to one that fcornfully refufed them, which he had fo trequently follicited her for partly for pleafure, but principally for profit, had not the patience to check her for it in any other place, than thefe down- right; outragioufly bellowing forth, Am not I the oldeft Gueft in your houfe, and not a penny in your Debt? Have not I pamper'd you at home, and Coacht you abroad, till I have not had a wheel in my pocket for your extravagant delights to move further on ; and have afterwards ftab'd my Credit, that you might delicioufly feed, and fatiate your felf on the blood of the grape : then (when few refufe to give themfelves fatisfa6lion) I have attempted to enjoy what you now proftitute ; but you kept me at that diftance, I knew not whether your breath flunk or not. Nay, I have made ufe of Critical minutes to purchafe my defire, more efpecially then, when I could fee by the flaming of your eyes, what con- fpiracies wine and wanton difcourfe had formed within you, to fire the Fortrefs of the mofb refolved Chaftity. And fhall you now be bid to go to bed ? be begg'd to retire from your fatiated Lovers em braces ? how can you ftand thus impudently in your fmock in a mans Chamber, and yet commanded to be gone ? Come, you forget your felf; your dark- Lanthorn delights have dazzled the fight of your Reafon ; and let this (kicking her with his foot) light you to your own Chamber ; and withal laying hold on her, would have forcibly thruft her out ; which rude carriage of his made her cry out aloud, fearing fome further mifchief.

This out-cry fo ftartled my Gentleman in bed, that not enduring to hear his Land-lady fo grofly abufed, got up,andclofingwith him, threw him ; and having no other weapons, but their fifts, pounded one ano-

Part 3. other Extravagants. 45

ther to fome purpofe. The Woman fearing what mif- chief might enfue, put her head out at the window, and cryed Murder as loud as fhe could bawl ; the Watch (hearing murder cryed out) came running to to the houfe with all fpeed (not dreaming they fhould fee again that Spirit which had fo lately frighted them) and perceiving a great buftle in the houfe, and the fame horrid noife continuing, they broke open the doors, and entring, found two men fcuffling in their fhirts, having blooded one the other fufficiently (this bleed ing excufed very well the other blood that came from the firked-back and breech of my Gallant) I fay, finding them in this bloody condition, they doubted they, had injured one another with fome fharp inftru- ment ; they needed not to fearch farther than their hands, having neither of them more cloathes to con ceal anything than what modefty commanded. Not- withftanding they were parted by the Watch, yet they could not hold their hands off one another ; which caufed the Watch to interpofe again, and now they refolved to feoure them that night (from further mif- chieving one the other) at the Watch-houfes, and fo commanded them to put on their Cloaths; which the one quickly did, but the other could not. It would have been worth all my revenge to have feen in what confufion he flood, at that word of command, or to have known what the watch-men thought when they faw their Prifoner could finde no Cloaths.

Though their wonder was great, yet they refolved to have their curiofity refolved ; and therefore askt him, where were his cloaths, and how he come, or how he could be without them ? by the way, furely there was not much wit in that Conftable and his Watch : for had they had any, they might prefently have concluded (from the pofture they found thofe

46 The Englijh Rogue \ And Part 3.

Gentlemen in) that they were a couple of mendicant Poets, who had but one fuit of apparrel between them, that when the one went abroad, a wheedling, the other was forc'd to lye a bed a ftaring ; and dif- putingwhofhould next fcout abroad to find out the Enemies of famine, and not agreeing upon the point, fell together by the ears. But to return where I left of, theConftable having interrogated him as aforefaid,he endeavouringtoexcufe himfelf.and palliate the fcuruy ufage of his revengeful Miftrifs) anfwered him, that walking that after noon, it was his mifchance, by a pufh of that Gentleman they found him fighting with, to fall into a Common-houje, (Pox on his witty allufi- on) and that having no fuit than that, he intended to have lain in bed till it had been cleanfed and dried. That the Gentleman aforefaid would not let him reft, but came into his Chamber, and with fcoffing and irritating expreffions, provok'd him to rife, and en deavour to be rid of his trouble.

The other told the Conftable, that what was faid was agreater lye than the Devil could invent ; that the caufe of the Quarrel was his endeavouring to hinder his Leachery that night, by preventing his Landlady from going to bed to him. The Woman hearing this, replyed, they were both of them a couple of con founded lyars, and (that me might make one of the number) told them ; that they intended to have ravifht her, and that the one breaking up her Chamber-door, the other followed, and fell together by the ears, who mould be the firft Actor in their damn'd defign : to prevent which, fhe was compell'd to cry out Murther, upon which they withdrew out of her Chamber, and went into one of their own, where (faid (he) you find them like a couple of malicious dogs, fighting for that morfel neither of the Curs is ever likely to tafte of.

Part 3. other Extravagant*. 47

This Forgery was more femblable to probability in the Conftables opinion, than any thing elfe he had heard. Wherefore not to fpend further time in exa mination, he charged his Watchmen with my two Gentlemen, and fo inconfiderately rafh he was, that he vow'd they mould go with him ; and had carried them in that very condition, had not the Woman of the houfeinterceeded, that (he mightcloathhisnaked- nefs as well as fhe could for the prefent ; hereupon fhe furnifhed him with a Peticoat of her own, having no other Cloathes that would fit him : inftead of a cloak, fhe helpt him to a red Rugg ; and to crown all, fhe clapt upon his head her ftraw-hat. Had it been day light, it would have been worth twelve pence a piece to have feen this Slavonian, whofe garb, for ftrange- nefs, the barbarous World might admire, but never imitate. I do not hear that he over-flept himfelf that night ; nor can I believe that the morning gave his eyes no great fatisfacl:ion, in viewing the prepofte- roufnefs of his habit ; and his Twinklers lookt, as I am inform'd, as if they had been imployed in nothing all that night, but on looking on the phatafms of lome of his dead and damn'd acquaintance.

I flept but little my felf, that night, partly, by thinking how this revengful, plot of mine would take effe6l, but chiefly, by reafon of my unfatisfied Bed fellow, who kept me waking, in fpight of my teeth. However I arofe early, and being but a little way dift- ant, foon got home; where arrived, I underftood from my husband, that my Rings were reftored, that he had left me his Breeches, as owning me his Matter; and fo he might well acknowledge, forhe was never fo whipt for being a naughty Boy, as I caufed him to be ; and well he efcap'd fo, having like to have left behind him a moft pretious remedy againft feveral female diftemp-

48 TJie Englijh Rogue; And Part 3.

ers ; a Recipe, as infallible againft all manner of ob- ftruftions, as ever was applyed to any Chalk, or Oat meal Eater, fmce Eve lay in with Cain in her firft Childbed. Immediately after I heard of the reft of that Knights incomparable Adventures, and how he was fecured; and had a particular account of the plea- fant drefs he was in : never did any thing tickle me more, than the Relation, how amply and fully I was, revenged of him ; yet I could not but entertain a thought that might incline to pity him ; but it would extend no further then than to fend him his Cloathes, and withall a Letter, to give my felf the plenary fatisfaflion of laughing at him ; and thofe fufferings he underwent by my procurement ; the words and fenfe were to this purpofe.

The Letter. Sir,

I A m much troubled that one of your age and expe- riance JJwuld prove fo meer a Novice in Loves- School, as to be guilty of an amorous erratum, that Jhould deferve the lajh : I fee now you arc a mecr Baby in our Sex, and ought to be whipt again into a better under/landing. What, trujl that Woman whom you Jtaveabufcd ! Why, a Child of the fa ft. head, in t/ienon- age of Amorous matters, in the Hanging fleeves of CourtJJiip, knew this as a Maxime — that if Love, though never fo fervent, be once by abufc converted into hatred, the woman is indefatigable in her revenge, till Death hath put an end to the Contro- vcrfie. Henceforth be better advifed from me, how you behave your felf before your little Sparkling Goddeffes ( as wantonly you are pleafed to call them ; ) if you will prcferve your good ejlcem

Part 3. other Extravagant*. 49

and be dayly cherijlit with their Soul-winning and ra- vifliing Smiles, you mujl not be relax in your offerings; but if by flighting, cozenage, &c. you injligatc their in- ccjl Deities to revenge, nothing but an abfence, as dijlant as the two Poles, Jliall protect you from their fubtlc and fpccdy rci'cngc. A nd now, thank me Sir, that mine hath fallen foflightly on your SJioulders, having givcnajlript Simmar,for tlie Goiun I Jlwuld have had : I am forry though, I had not fecured you witneffes of manhood, tJiat they might have been Teftimonies continually by me, to off ure myfclfyou ivill not for the future abufc my love, by fondly affecting an other. Lajlly, hearing that you arc clad, as if you were fent Embaffadour from the Northern Witches to their Emperor the Devil, / tJwnght fit to fend you fome CloatJts (in lieu of thofc Rings you left with my Husband) which are more fu- tablc for humain convcrfation. But let me advifc you, haunt me no more in them, left I conjure you out of them again, and the Devil into you. Be wife, and have a care of being amorous, wlien pcnnylcfs.

Your abufed, in part revenged, &c.

I commanded the Meffenger to obferve his carriage in reading the Letter; who told me, all the mad-men in the World, put them altogether, could not in their moft extra vagantgeftures, have expreft madnefs fo to the life as he did. However, he was not fo mad, but that he did put on his Cloaths, which upon old ac quaintance fo complyed, as to fit him to a hair. Soon after he was discharged; and now invoking the Devil to be of his Cabinet Council, he walkt into a folita- ry place, that he might hatch mifchief, that is, be re venged on me, my Husband, or any elfe that he fup- E

5O The EngliJJi Rogue ; And Part 3.

pofed might be his rivals. He was quickly furnifhed witha mifchievous defign, agreeable to his defire; and how could he otherwife, for there are millions of hel- lifh imps of the worfer fort, who continually attend the motions of the malitious and revengeful, to exe cute the commands of fuch who care not how they precipitate others and themfelves into ruine and de- ftru<5lion.

This ftratagem he contrived, by the help of a lit tle credit he had yet furviving, he puts himfelf into a new riding garb, mounted with fword and piftol ; having gotten a Perriwig of a colour clean contrary to what he ufually wore ; having for the better carrying on his Plot, procured a falfe beard, with a black patch on one of his eyes ; in this difguife, the moft difcern- ing eye of his moft intimate, and familiar friends and acquaintance, could not have difcovered him who he was. In this equipage he rides out of town, fome half-fcore miles, only to dirty his horfe and boots ; and leaves a Letter with a Friend to be delivered to my own hands, in thefe terms.

Part 3. other Extravagants. 51

The Anfwer to the former Letter. Madam,

C\Rrather Mad-dame, f or JJie tJuit is madder that you ^-* was begotten in Monte Gibello, where troubling the Sulphurous wombe of that burning Mountain, was bclcht into the World, and carried on the back of a whirl- wind, todi/lurbtheinhabitants thereof. Thinknotlwill trouble my felfto anfiver particularly every flouting in vective, the which your letter is Jluft withal, but foall tell you in general, you are too dangeroufly wicked for my acquaintance; and he that intends to contract afriend- fJiipwith Hell, muft firft Jliakc hands with you ; your eyes will be his light, to guide him ; your cheeks, and breajls, are his high way; and your mouth the gate or en trance thereinto. I do not intend to buy repentance at fo dear a rate, as ever to fee you again ; therefore your threats were needlcfs. I am not yet fallen in love with my winding-Jhcet, that I JJwuld court Death, or hug a Contagion. My fenfe of fmelling is indifferently well recovered of its late dijlempcr, andean now diftinguifli the f cent of found Bodies from putrifaclion. My eyes too have regained tJieir fight, and can plainly fee theJJie- drcilinyon, maugre all t fie paint, and fucus, that is on tliat dauVd face of thine. Prithee name me not at any time, bejl thy breath for ever poyfon my memory; and to tJuit intent, forget that ei'er I had a being; and fo wifJiing tJiou never hadjl one, I take my eternal fare well of thee, &c.

52 The Englijh Rogue \ And Part 3.

This Letter he fent me, to the intent I might be lieve he was fo far from revenging himfelf on me, that he never intended to fee me more ; bywhich meanshe facilitated his purpofe. In profecution thereof; late in the evening he came to Town, and directed his courfe to our houfe ; upon his alighting, he feemed much tyred, which we verily believed, his horfe being all of a foam ; and defiring his Chamber might be fhewn him, it was done accordingly ; and order be ing taken for a Sack-poffet, he fupt it up, and laid his head to reft ; he lay abed fomewhat long the next day, pretending indifpofition by reafon of his long journey, but getting up ; he feemed fomewhat plea- fant, calling for a pint of Sack for his and his Land- ladyes Mornings draught, affuring me, that as a ftranger he would not be indebted for anycivilities he fhould receive in my houfe. I on the other fide, fee ing him fo forward to part from his money, gave him a confiderable lift by my ufual way of fpunging. Dinner time approaching I askt him what he would have ; who ordered me to provide variety of what was in feafon ; not imagining that Table, on which this meat fhould ftand, fhould fo foon prove the Stage on which a bloody Tragedy muft be acted. A little before we fate down to dinner, I fent for my friend (that lay with me that night I acted my revenge) to participate in our good cheer ; who coming, we fate down together, there being no other, than this dif- guifed Gentleman, my Husband, my Self, and Friend. We did eat, and drink freely ; about half dinner this Gentleman feemed to be very officious in helping me, at laft, Madam, faid he, I will help you to one bit more, which you fhall not refufe for my fake ; I re turning him thanks, in an inftant hewhipt off with his knife, my Husbands ear, and laid it haftily on my

Part 3. other Extravagants. 53

Trencher ; and turning his head quick about, be not angry, Sir, (faid he) you fhall have bitt for bitt ; and thereupon endeavoured to cut off my nofe, but I was to nimble for him, and by running out efcap'd the danger ; my Friend obferving what had paft, be ing too fuddenly done to be prevented, ftept from the Table, and drawing, bid the Rogue difguifed draw too, or he would pin him to the wall, for this match- lefs piece ofvillany ; whereupon he did, but behaved himfelf fo ill, that my friend wounded him defperate- ly in the body at the firft pafs ; concluding he had re ceived his Mortal wound, he refolved not to die alone, wherefore he made a full pafs, and fo running upon his Adverfaries point, each dyed at once by the fwords of one another. I foon returned with a long train of Mirmidons, whom I had inftructed how to chaftife thisinfolence; but Lord! what a confufion was I in, when I faw the two combatants lye dead on the floor, and my Husband gazingon them motionlefs, like one converted into a Statue for the lofs of his ear ; which he fhould have loft, by right, long before that time.

Some more bufiethen the reft, ftirring their bodies, the falfe beard of the difguifed fell off, by which he was prefently known who he was ; and becaufe it was every where known through the town, how this Gentleman had fpent what he had on me, and was a- bufedforhispains; I was immediatly cryed out upon, as the Authorefs of all this mifchief, I endeavoured to excufe my felf, by relating what he had done ; viz. the cutting my Husbands Ear off and the endeavour ing to cut off my Nofe ; but this allegation fignified little. Searchinghis pockets, they found a note, or let- ter,fealed,& feeing it wasdire6led to me,theythen,with- out my confent, break it open, imagining they fhould find therein the myftery of thistragical encounter but all they could difcover was only his intention of cut-

54 The Englijh Rogue; And Part 3.

ting off my Nofe, and my Husbands Ear : the Lines were thefe which follow.

INfatiate Strumpet ; perjured-painted- Whore, Who haft the vice of all thy Sex, and more, Devil, nay worfe ; for tkou canjl by thy face Make Men Apojlate in the State of Grace. By thee I fell ; then did my Pagan knee Oft render Worfliip to thy Devilree. I (being converted) Idols won't allow ; Down mujl the Dagon of thy face I vow. See where it lyes ; that Idol, once ador'd, Muft be for tvant of it, by all abhor 'd. Thy Husband lends an Ear, then let thy Nofe, To Sifter-Senfe her wretched State difclofe. And then confult thy Glafs ; See thy fare face Is vaniflit, and Deaths-head Jlands in the place. Thy lips fome Ne6lar Jipt from I fuppofe Will be exclaim' d on, fogh, they want a Nofe. And may thy fparkling eyes, which me did win, Be thought to kindle from a fire within. May ulcers feize thee, for tJie wrong tliajldone, A iid living rott, without compajjion.

The rumour of this fad difafter ran fwifter than a Torrent through the Town ; infomuch that our houfe was fo cram'd with People, that our fervants were forc'd to acquit their imployments,to'give room to the inquifitiveln-comers,achirurgeonwasfentfortodrefs my Husband ; & a Coroner to fit upon the other two that were flain ; glad I was, that I had the opportune excufe to leave the Company ; and attend my Hus band ; by which means I avoidedthe hearing fo many thoufand accrimations that were laid to my charge. In the meantime the Jury found their Deaths hapned

Part 3. other Extravagants. 55

by Man-flaughter : and fo thereby though we were prefent, we could not be found acceffories.

The noife of this accident did alfo flye into the Countrey, not efcapeing the ear hardly of any one Gueft that frequented our Houfe; report had rendred theFa<5t fo horrible, and my Husband and Self fo no- torioufly acceffory thereunto, and now all our for mer wickednefs, and roguery was drawn up in a long Scrol, and this laft added in Capitals, to make up a compleat Sum of Villany. By which means we had little refort to our Houfe ; and our Houfe-rent being great, and our Trading fmall, my Husband and I were now neceffitated to put our heads together, by fome other means to patch up a future lively-hood. Thou feeft, faid he, the more ferious, and reputable fort of People, fhun our houfe, as if old Bclzcbub were there fitting abrood to hatch thofe difeafes which fhould be the deftru6lion of the Univerfe. And therefore to be revenged of their thus flighting us, I will meet them abroad, and what moneys they forbear to fpend with me, I will compel them to lend, and more. Though I am not ftout and refolute enough of my felf to do this, yet thou knowefl Humplirey our Tapfter, is a ftrong Fellow, and hath a good heart ; he and I, fear not, will do the bufmefs.

For my part, I muft needs confefs, I queftion'd not Humphrey's performances, having made tryal again thereof; I ever fancyed to try experience, and mark ing what a rough-hew'n Fellow he was, all Bone and Sinew, with a face likeatann'd Bulls hide, I could not be at quiet, till I had found the difference between this Man, nerv'd with wire, and others, that were clean limb'd, and ftreight (lender bodyed joynted likeZfar- tJwlomew Babies, with quaking Cuftard faces ; but fo vaft a difproportion between them, that were I E 4

56 The Englijli Rogiic ; And Part 3.

Widdow ; and were courted by a Knight worth five thoufand pounds a year, with a handfom fair whitely face, I fhould hardly be perfwaded to accept of a La dy -fliip, but for the fake of his revenew.

To be fhort, Sir Philip Sidney's Cowards were not much ranker than my Husband ; but, thought I, if he hath courage enough to look a Man in the face, and bid him ftand, Humphrey hath flrength, and valour enough to compel them to deliver. Wherefore I per fwaded my Husband by all means to go forward with what he had propounded : I was the more willing to it, in hopes that he would be taken fome time or o- ther; and as he was marked for a Knave, fo he might be hang'd for a Thief; and fo be freed from an im potent Husband. He feemed well fatisfied that I aflented to his propofal, and look'd upon it to be a good Omen, and promifed fuccefs to his undertaking. On the other fide (faid he) you muft not be idle at home; you knowthere is now none but thedebauched that refort to our houfe, and therefore fuit their incli nation, if ought can be gotten by fo doing. Your daughter is young, and handfom, let her be the fign to attract ; but pray let me have you furnifh your felf with other Utenfils. The Boy too is no fool, who, by obferving your carriage, and direction, hath very ill fpent his time, if he cannot tolerably pimp as well for others, as his Mother. Well, well, (faid I) hus band, you are merrily difpofed ; look after your bu- finefs, I (hall manage my own well enough, I warrant you. MyHusband and his Tapfter, committed many robberies in a little time: and very fewbut what were on our Guefts; who freely difcourfing their affairs over a glafs of Wine after Supper, many times dif- covering what ftore of money they carried with them, and for what purpofe, gave them a fair opportunity in

Part 3. other Extravagant^. 57

the Morning to fet on them, and deprive them of it. Nay, fo little fufpefted he was of robbing, that feve- ral have returned to our houfe after he hath robb'd them, and made their complaint to him, how bafely they had been abufed ; it was alwayes his care, and indeed therein he (hewed the utmoft of his prudence, to return home with all the fpeed he might poffibly, after he had rob'd any ; by which means, he and his Man rob'd a long time fecretly.

It was generally their good fortune to meet with fuch as durft not fight them; a thing that Travellers generally, and juftly, are to be condemned for ; who, with eafie parting with their money, they not only fhew how meanly fpirited they are, but encourage the Thief in his robberies. Whereas, on the contrary, would they fhewthemfelves as defperate,and as refo- lute as their affaulters, it is my opinion they would quickly turn tail, as not daring to venture the hazard of thedifpute. Buttoreturn.thoughmy Husband fuc- ceeded fo wellin his attempts, by meeting with none but Cow-hearted fellows; yet once, waiting with his man in a thicket, earely in the morning, for the paf- fing by of a Gentleman that had lain the night be fore in our houfe, who had a confiderable Sum of Money, in his Port-mantle, there travelled by another in the dawning of the day, whom, by a miftake, my husband affaults ; the other drawing a Piftol, fired it at him, but mift him ; however, the report had like to have done as much mifchief, as if the bullet had part through his body, for with fear he fell from his horfe ; and had like to have faved the Hangman a labour, by breaking his own neck. Our Tapfter feeing his Mafter fall, and verily believing he was kill'd by that was refolved to revenge his death, had not he feen another come Rideing

58 TJie Englijh Rogue; And Part 3-

to him (which was the Gentleman they lay in wait for) which made him altar his purpofe, and ride away, for the prefervation of his own life. The Gentleman fuppofmg too.that he had really difpatcht this Pad, not feeing him move all this while (which he confeft to me afterwards, he politickly did, to the intent he might be exempted from fighting, and fe- curely fee the event of the Combat : the other two that came to his afliftance judg'd the fame, and advifed him to ride away with all fpeed to the next Juftice ; not only to avoid the prefent danger, for (faid he) this other Rogue is rid away but to get fome more of his fellows, to make a further attempt) but you will alfo receive the thanks of the Country, for deftroy- ing fuch Caterpillars, that eat up the Fruit of their Land. Setting Spurrs to their Horfes away they Gallopt, to find out the next Juftice ; my Husband perceiving they were gone, got up, and mounting rode full fpeed home, without fo much as once looking be- hindhim. Cominghome,he found me almoftdrown'd in tears, and half frighted out of my wits; not fo much for forrow of his death (which news I had pri vately fent me by our Tapfter) but for fear, as foon as it mould be known who this flain Thief was, I fhould have my goods inftantly fiezed on, and my doors fhut up. I was in a Room by my felf, getting fome Plate together, with other choice portable things ; and coming to the ftair head, with an intent to convey them out of the houfe, met with my Husband full butt ; whofe face being pale and wan, by reafon of his late great fear, poffeft me with fo ftrong a conceit, that this was his Ghoft, that the fright made me skreek out, and letting fall what I had in my Apron, I re treated. This fudden furprize fo amazed him, that he flood indeed like an apparition at the Chamber-

Part 3. other Extravagants. 59

door, and had not the power to come in : this increaft my belief, however, I pluckt up my Spirits, and bold ly askt him, what he was, and what he came for ? He fneakingly, in a low voyce, (for he was more than half dead) anfwered.he was my Husband, and that he came to fee me. My Husband, faid I is dead ; and if thou be his damn'd Ghoft, I conjure thee, by all that is good, prefently depart, and trouble me not now, fince whilft living, I could never be content, nor at quiet for thee. Not fpeaking one word, he turn'd his back upon me, and went down flairs. I never be lieved my felf a Conjurer till now (although I have been called Witch a thoufand times) and indeed I knew not what to think of it, (comparing altogether) whether this was a phantafm, or not, but troubling my thoughts no further about that matter, I took up what I had dropt, and getting into the yard, would have march'd off with what I had in my lap, had he not haftenedafterme, and holding me faftby the arm, told me, that he was not quite dead, though almoft frightned out of his life, and therefore begg'd me I would not remove any thing that might tend to his prejudice ; and if I would walk in, he would tell me his whole morning Adventure.

The two Gentlemen coming to the Juftice, amply declared what an eminent piece of Service they had done their Country, by killing on the place one Pad- der, and putting to flight another ; and that if his Worfhip pleafed to Summon a quantity of the Parifli, to defend them if occafion fhould require, they would mew them the place where the dead lay. Hereupon there were a great many that offered themfelves free ly to go along ; but coming to the place, found neither man, nor horfe, nor the fign of one drop of blood. The Countrey People finding themfelves thus abufed,

60 The Euglifli Rogue; And Part 3.

and not knowing what the defign of thefe two Gen tlemen might be, in putting fuch a trick upon them, laid hold on them, and carried them back to the Juftice ; who being informed that there was not the leafl appearance of what had pretendedly been done, askt them the reafon.why they thus abufed themfelves and others, with meer forgeries : to which they both replyed, that their eyes had feen what their tongues related, and concluded, that other padders, confede rate with this, had carried off the Body of their Bro ther, that they might avoid fufpition. The Juftice and others were of the fame opinion, and fo the Gentle men were difmift.

Our Tapfter hearing that his Mafter was in health, returned home, refolving for the future, never to ha zard his life with fo great a peice of cowardize ; and to fpeak the truth, it was high time to leave off, fmce they were fhrewdly fufpe<5led by the whole Town to be High-way men, they being feen fo often together on Plorfe-back, both early and late. My Trade however diminifht not, for I was taken notice of, all the Country round, to be a dealer in fe- crets.and ready money commodities ; nay, there were not a few honeft mens wives, that would not ftick to truft me in the difpofal of the whole Cargo of their reputation. Nay, I was fo excellent at my art, that neither Privateer, nor Publican would aft any diffi cult matter without my advice. I could Pimp, if oc- cafion ferved moft incomparably; and I was lookt up on as the beft Procurefs in all our Countrey ; which I would not have been, but that I was fo much tyred with my daily, nay, hourly Vifitants ; for though Age and Time have confpired to ruine the glories of my face, I can affure you, the remains may inform any they were good. Being fo generally noted not only

Part 3. other Extravagants. 61

for my beauty, but my art \x\.Pandarizing, a Song was compofed on me by fome riming Doggril or other, which I will fmg you thus, and fo finifh the Story of my former lifes actions,

1. A T tJic Sign of the Swan J~\_ There livcth a man,

I go not about to deceive you ;

Ten thoufand to one,

If you come, he is gone, That his Wife may the better receive you.

2. Lovely brown is lier hair,

Her face comely fair, Her wajlc you may f pan, ' tis fo flcnder ;

Negro black are eyes,

Pajfing white arc her thighs, All the allurements of Venus attend tier.

3. Her Twins of delight,

( Which are alwaycs in fight) Her breafls which are whiter than fnow,

By their panting do beat

An Alarm to the feat, To combate Jier Lenders below.

4. With her f miles JJie invites

To tajle her delights ; Which I would, if I durjl fo prefume ;

But I fear Jlic hath fires

Which will quench my defires, But my body to aJJies confume.

5. S/ie's an excellent Pimp,

The Devils bcjl Imp ; She's a Bawd,y7^'j a whore, that's too common

If 'you intend for to fly

Hells flames, come not nigh; S/:es a thing, that is worfe than a Woman.

62 The EngliJJi Rogue; And Part 3.

CHAP. VI.

Mrs. Dorothy goes with her new Acquaintance, who perfwades her to accommodate a barren Gentlewoman a friend of hers, with her child, asfoon as born. A cJtaracter of this Gentlewoman, and her amorous practices : the manner of her being roVd by one of her Gallants ; tie is apprehended and executed. Mrs. Dorothy is delivered of a Boy, who is made Heir to a great EJlate, andJJie highly rewarded for her confent.

e Old Woman having thus finifht her Story, JL fhe addreft her felf to me, faying, Dear Heart, you fee how free I have been with you, not concealing from your knowledg any one remarkable paffage of my life, though never fo infamous or fcandalous. I, and though our acquaintance is very young, yet put your confidence in me, and queftion not, but that I fhall fo affift you in the management of your concerns, that you fhall have caufe to thank me as long as you live. Hereupon fhe acquainted me, that there was a Gentleman (not far off) well known to her, that had been married a dozen years and upwards to a very beautiful, and well proportion'd Gentlewoman ; yet had no iffue by her ; that for want of an Heir, the Eftate after his deceafe would fall to the younger Bro ther ; that it was a very great grief to the Gentleman, but efpecially to his Wife ; and (faid fhe) this Gen tlewoman knowing me to be a perfon fit to be advifed withal about matters of this nature, often fent for me to her houfe, where fome years fince, I counfelled her to make trial, whether fhe or Husband was in fault ;

Part 3. other Extravagant*. 63

in order thereunto I have helpt her at times to the en joyment of at leaft a fcore of feveral lufty young Perfons. And becaufe I would take the fureft way, fhe never had more than one at one time, and him nei ther not above a quarter of a year together ; he then fruftrating our expectations, I counfell'd her to make tryal of another. The firft I made choice of for her, was a proper young flaxen-hair'd man, tall and (lender ; a delicate young man he was indeed, whofe complexion (being Sanguine) furnifhed him with more heat than is in any other temperature ; which made his hair like fine threads of Gold, twirl in rings, or rather you might call them the lines and hooks with which the little wanton God of love did ufually angle for female hearts ; had you feen them, you would have fworn that they were fufficient to catch the heart of a Vcjlal- Maiden, or the moft refolved Vo- tarefs to Chaftity, that ever had a being. His eyes, quick and nimble, and penetrateing ; he had a ftrong fancy, a quick invention, and a moft incomparable ut terance; and hiscarriage and deportment was incredi ble winning ; whofe fmgle touch of the hand was fufficient to have thaw'd the moft congealed-frozen temper in the world into affection. Notwithftand- ing all thefe allurements, and feirpromifingproperties with near upon an half years mutual converfe with each other, fhe found her expectations fruftrated.

Being refolved to make further tryal (for fhe would not be convinc'd that fhe was either defective or barren,) fhe confulted me, how fhe might be rid of this her amorous Hot-fpur, and have fome other in his place, of a different conftitution ; alleadging that fhe being of the fame complexion, fhe verily believed her impregnancy proceeded thence ; faying further, that fhe had heard feveral, as Well Phyfitions as

64 The EngliJJi Rogue ; And Part 3.

others ftrongly affirm, that the grand reafon, why feve- ral Women have no children, was the too near affi nity of their husbands complexion and conftitution to their own ; and that on the other fide, none more infallible enjoy'd the fruits of their labours, the off- fpring of their bodies, than fuch, whofe corporal temperaments were diffimilar or different.

Underftanding her humour, I was refolved to com ply with her in whatfoever fhe defired (being fo pro fitable a friend to me) but I knew not how to dif- place her Sanguine complexion'd Gallant, who grew by this time a moft paffionate Lover ; at length I be thought me to perfwade him to follicite her waiting Gentlewoman, making him believe that fhe was ar dently in love with him, and that fhe had a good Sum by her, which would infallibly be at his devotion; my credulous young Gamefter greedily fwallowed my advice, and followed to a hair my dictations; having won her (for I know not who could withftand him) he came to me, and informed me of the time, and place, that he fhould commence thofe delights they in tended to continue as long as life lafted ; being joy ful of this opportunity, I prefently addreft my felf to my Miftris, giving an account to her of her friends new courtfhip, and when it fhould be confumated ; advifing her to watch them, and catch them in the ac~l, by which means fhe fhould be freed from his future addreffes,and likewife confirm her Maids fecrefie and fidelity to her. All which fhe performed, by threatning her Maid to turn her away, and fhame her to boot, if ever fhe affociated her felf, or entertained him again in her houfe ; and calling him falfe, faithlefs man, and I know not what, banifht him for ever from her pre- fence for his unconftancy.

The next Dick I pickt up for her was a man of a

Part 3. other Extravagant*. 6$

colour as contrary to the former, as light is to dark- nefs, being fwarthy ; whofe hair was as black as a floe ; middle ftatur'd, well fet, both ftrong aYid active, a man fo univerfally tryed, and fo fruitfully fuccesful, that there was hardly any female within ten miles gotten with child in hugger-mugger, but he was more than fufpected to be Father of all the legitimate. Yet this too, proved an ineffectual Operator. She now be gan tofufpect herfelf of barrennefs; butbeingprompt- ed with hopes, and ftrangely induced by the fenfe of pleafure which fhe reapt in the variety of her amo rous Confidents, fhe refolved on a third, a Gentle-man of her own election, who having been a confiderable time a Student in the Inns of Court, was returned in to the Country, to enjoy that plentiful eftate his lately deceas'd father had left him, the antient Seat of his Anceftors ; of ftature fo low, that he could but juft take the upper-hand of a dwarf, being only eleva ted by the pole above him. She was fain at firft to Court him.inftead of his courting her : and indeed, I could not fee how he could prefume (without her en couragement) to carefs a Gyantefs, fo much taller than himfelf.

There was not fo great a difproportion in their bo dies, as there were conformity and agreeablenefs in their wills ; and that the Soul of his which was coopt up, and confined within too narrow limits, became more active and vigorous ; fo that attacking her with a lively and fprightful courage poffeffed himfelf of the garrifon without a tedious fiege of a 12 months court - fhip, his hair was of a darkifh brown, or cheft-nut co lour, not handfome enough to be a woman, yet too fair to be a man. Though he was not tall, yet nature ex- preft no irregularity in his formation : being fymme- trical, or proportionably compofed from the lines

F

66 The EngliJJi Rogue \ And Part 3.

of his face you might have collected Capital Letters enough to have fpelt a Gentleman ; and not an action, or expreffion of his (excepting this of his too intimate familiarity with another mans wife) which did not largely declare the immenfityof his Soul, and the virtues that thereunto belonged.

So dearly fhe loved him, (that notwithftanding he did not anfwer her expectations in making her Belly fwell) fhe fo doted on his Company, and converfe, that fhe gave her husband too many palpable caufes to fufpecl: her honefty, and integrity towards him. Not, but that for the fake of an Heir, which he quefti- on'd whether he fhould ever get himfelf) he would be content to wink (as he hath done feveral times) at the freedome his wife hath taken with feveral o- thers befides himfelf. But looking on my little dap per fquire to be to little for that purpofe, and that would come fhort home, as to that bufmefs, took an occafion to affront him, that it might produce a quarrel, that fhould eloign him from his houfe, and further intimacy with his wife. However, though he had low and undervaluing thoughts of this Gentle man, by reafon of his ftature, yet he found him in field, full as tall as himfelf in true valour, being (as we fay) mettle to the back. It was the hap of this Gentleman to be defperately wounded by the leffer, and fo dangeroufly, that it was fuppofed his wounds would end all the future differences between them ; however recovering this Combate feparated them e- ternally.

My Miftris was fo well acquainted with the lofs of her Gallants, that fhe was not much troubled to be deprived of the fociety of this laft ; but all her trouble was, to get another in his room. Shee ap- plyed her felf to me again, her undeceiving Oracle,

Part 3. otJicr Extravagants. 67

and received her accuftomed comfort, that in a little time I would procure her another, that fhould out- throw the reft, at leaft a Barrs length ; I was not long in the procuration ; for there was a Gentleman that frequented our Houfe, who fpent his money very freely, yet had not a foot of land, neither had he any trade, or tools, but the high way, fword and piftol to bring him in a lively hood. He was a lufty well fet man, and red-hair'd ; a complexion that hath often gonethrough-ftich. I had often tryed him my felf.and therefore I could the better recommend him to a friend. One day (his ftock being low. and he at that time in our houfe) he defired me to lend him half a peice. I be ing glad of this opportunity, told him I would, and withall defired to confer with him in private ; he joyfully accepted my motion, thinking I had fome fe- cret defign to take my accuftomed ufe for the loan ; but he was ftranglyfurprized, and even diftracled with exceflive joy, when he heard me tell him, what a Miftris I had provided for him ; that he fhould have his belly full of fporting, & be liberally paid for it too. Weappointedtheday when I fhould introduce him in to his new Miftrifs's acquaintance, but with this con dition, that I fhould mare with him in his gettings. It was concluded on, and he poffeft of his Treafure, to the full content of them both. My Houfe was now his conftant receptacle, or dormitory, but when he was in the embracesof his miftrefs; and hewasveryhoneft in giving me my mare, my half part, and commonly fpent the reft (to my advantage) of what he had re ceived ; and to the intent the more might come into mypocket, I advifed her by all means not to ftarve his fervice, but incourage him often with fums of mo ney ; urging moreover, that the poor Gentleman could not but be at great charges in maintaining himfelf

68 The Englijh Rogue; And Part 3.

in a flrange place, exiling himfelf freely from his own habitation, to be near at her Command ; befide the great expence he is daily at in coftly broths, jellies, with other provocatives, or reflorers of decai'd na ture.

I needed not to have tempted her to liberality, fhe being naturally prone thereunto ; always extravagant ly rewardingkindneffes of this nature. She began now to grow very penfive, and unufually melancholy, to fee all her fwelling hopes thus dafht ; and was not fo fociable as fhe ufed to be with her friend ; which gave him fome caufe to fufpe6l her inconftancie, or that fhe would fpeedily defert him, and accept fome other ; which put him on the contrivance to fave fomething, that might be a fupport to him, if his fallary fhould fail, or at leaflwife keep him alive, till his Country- Contributions, or padding incomes fhould fupply his profufe, and unneceffary expences.

When ever he came, fhe entertain'd him with fuch an undelerved francknefs, that fhe concealed nothing from him, that might either pleafe his fancie, or fatif- fie his curiofity. Underflanding fhe was admirable at her Needle, he defired her to fhew him fome pieces of her art, that he might by the applauding of the one admire the other. She readily condefcended to what he propounded ; being glad he had demanded a thing which came within the verge of her power to pleafe him withal. Opening a large Cyprefs-Cheft, fhe Ihew'd him great variety of excellent pieces of her own hand-working ; and withal he difcovered feveral bags cramm'dwith other pieces, which he hadagreat- $r minde tohandle ; which I conceiv'd fhe fhew'd him out of meer oftentation, telling him withal, that as long as one penny was in them his pockets fhould not be unfurnifht with money ; and that when all thofe

Part 3. other Extravagants. 69

bags were emptied, her Husbands annual eftate would quickly fill them again, and fix times as many.

This affurance of having his conftant ftipend con tinued, prevailed not in the leaft on this Caret-pated villains ingrateful defigns ; but he refolved, with the firft opportunity, to make himfelf Matter of thofe fums, although he knew he muft unavoydably lofe his Miftrefs thereby ; the next morning fhe fent for him, to acquaint him, that her Husband was gone fome twenty miles off", and that he would not return in five days, having 300 lib. to receive of fuch a man, naming the place where he lived. This damn'd Dog, hearing this, caper'd for joy, which the poor Innocent believed, proceeded from his thinking what a long time he had to enjoy his Miftrefs uncontroulably : whereas it was otherwife, for now he knew how to kill two Birds with one ftone.

However, that fhe might not miftruft him as guilty of any treachery, he behaved himfelf fo pleafantly and his Careffes were fo agreeable, that his Miftrefs efteem'd her felf the happieft woman in the world, in the enjoyment of the perfon of fo facetious, and moft accomplifht Lover ; nay, fo fond fhe was of his com pany, that fhe was refolved to make the moft of him in her husbands abfence ; and therefore caufed him to lie in the houfe, not induring him out of her fight, till the day before her husbands returne; at which time he walkt out : what feaftings, junketings and jollitingstogethertherewerein thattime,noneare bet ter able to conceive than fuch who, with their large purfes, have inlarged hearts, caring not how dear the purchafeis, fo that thepleafure be great, though not of two minutes lafting. You muft underftand, that I went fnips with him in thefe delights, as well as in his profits ; I had a liquorifh tooth ftill in my head, and F 3

7O The EngliJJi Rogue ; And Part 3.

therefore would not be out of call, to participate with them in their Viands, and Banquetings ; In deed, I was ever an excellent fmell feaft.

The day (wherein he went abroad, as I told you) was the curfed time in which he procured affiftants, to carry on his hellifh plot, which had like to have proved my utter ruine. It feems he appointed them about four of the clock in the evening to come to the Gen- tlewomans houfe, where (as before) we were all making merry ; and knowing the ftrength of the houfe, there being never a man at home, the Groom being gone with his Matter, and only a foot-boy left, he appointed only two that mould manage the defign befide himfelf ; who knocking at the gate, and the foot-boy opening it to them, they inftantly feiz'd him, both binding, and gagging him. Having bolted the Gate, they advanced into the houfe, and feem- ingly very peaceful, they mounted the ftairs, having fecured thofe who were below in the fame manner, as they had done the boy ; as foon I faw two men now entring the Chamber, where we were, I then con cluded that we were betrai'd, and that the principal Traytor was our fuppofed friend; I hereupon opened as wide as my jaws would give me leave ; which one of the rogues perceiving, clapt a gag within my mouth, and fo kept them at that gaping diftance, the Rogues might have had fome confideration before they had ferved me thus, as knowing I had few teeth to barricadoe my gums from the injury they might receive from that confounded inftrument which ftretcht my mouth afunder.

The good Gentlewoman, feeing how barbaroufly they handled me, did not queftion they would exercife the like cruelty next on her ; to prevent which, me fell on her knees, befeeching them not to abufe her,

Part 3. otJier Extravagants. 71

and throwing them the keyes of what they lookt for, bid they take what they pleafed. Her accurfed Vil lain had the impudence to view the tears run down her lovely cheeks, without the leaft remorfe, or pity on a foul fo dearly loved him, he only raifed her with his hands, afluring her, fhe fhould receive no other in- jurie than the lofs of what money fhe fhewed him, and his eternal happinefs ; for I know Madam {faid he) how infatiate you are, how variable, how change able upon the flighted occafion ; I am not infenfible what variety you have already tyred (the more to blame me that imforced him ;) and how many more you intend, may be fufficiently drawn from your un- fatisfied humour, and inconftant nature. And now if you love your life, ftir not till we are gone; and thank our lenity, that we have not fecured you other- wayes. Taking up the money, every one carrying a part ; hold (faid one) we have forgot fomething yet, that Ladies hands muft be tyed, leaft fhe ungag that ferious and now filent Matron there : her hands and legs muft be tyed too, left fhe talk or walk to fright us. Having fo done, come now let us go (faid the Red headed Traytor) it is high time, left that old witch fwallow on of us ; don't you fee how fhe gapes ? God b'you (good Madam) you are bound to be con- ftant now; dear Partner (pointing to me) farewell, I thank you for your procuration money, and fo a- way they went ; in lefs than half an hour the Gentle woman had with her teeth fet her hands at liberty, which foon gave my hands, feet, and tongue the like, and difcendingthe ftairs, we found the maids, and boy bound, and gagg'd; having loos'd them fhe whifper'd her boy in the ear, I knew not what, but it was to fetch a Conftable, which he did in an inftant; and whilft I was condoleing my Friends lofs, and misfor-

72 TJie Englifli Rogue \ And Part 3.

tune, I was apprehended by her command, and con veyed to Goal, there to bewail my own too rigid fate.

I cannot much blame her fufpition of me,fmce there were arguments too many, and ftrong enough to per- fwade her I could not be innocent, and therefore what ever I alledged in my juftification flood fora Cypher. I fent for my husband, with many other friends, but none of them could prevail with her from fending me to Prifon ; feeing there was no remedy, I was refolved to endure my confinement as patiently as I could.

Thefe three rogues had theirhorfesnotfaroff,ready fadled, which they mounting, rode directly in that road where they were fure to meet their prize ; and as the Devil would have it, they waited not two hours, be fore they could perceive two riding directly towards them, and foon after could difcern them to be the Gentleman and his groom ; the firft of an undaunted refolution, but weakly, by reafon of a Chronical di- ftemper, that had a long time afflicted him; his man, by his bulk, fhape and looks, appeared like one that could teach a Guy of Warwick to fight, and give a pre- fident of fuch a valour, as only became a Royal Cham pion to own. The Gentleman was firft commanded to ftand and deliver, which he did, but it was a Piftol, which he difcharged without any execution ; they fi red at him again; and wounding him in the fword arm, he dropt his fword, and whilft he was fubmitting to their difpofal,his man fets fpurs to his horfe, and moft valiantly ran for it ; getting to the top of a little hill, not far diftant, where turning his horfe head, moft manfully about, he had the confidence to look on, whileft the Thieves robb'd his Mafter.

The gentleman feeing himfelf thus deferted by this lubberly-cowardly Hog driver was ready to burft with anger; but knew not how to come at him to be

Part 3. other Extravagant*. 73

revenged ; and therefore begg'd the robbers, in lieu of what money they had taken from him, to do him the kindnefs, to bafte his man foundly that ftood on yon der hill, as a meer looker on. I, /, faid the one, /will give you that fatisfaclion prefently my felf alone, and fo fetting fpurs to his horfe, rode up to him, and com plemented him no otherwife at firft, than with the flat of his fword, which notwithftanding made his fides and fhoulders fmart to fome purpofe ; this great looby took all this with incredible patience; but the Padbychancecuttinghim; nay, nowfaid he, flefh and blood is not longerable toendure ; and with that drew a broad two egg'd Scotch-fword, and handled it fo well, that he cut this fellow off his horfe prefently; the other two feeing their fellow over-matcht, advan ced with all fpeed, and both affaulted him at once: but hefeeingthemapproach,andbeingnowblooded,made ready to receive them by drawing a Piftol, which he fired fo luckily, that the (hot deprived him of one of his enemies more, and he had now no inequality of number to oppofe him. Succefs had fo flefht him, that he fought more like a Devil, than a man, laying about him backwards, and forwards; fo that he difmabled the third, which was the firft Plotter. Had his Mafter been able to fight, and there had been as many more againft him, he fo behaved himfelf, that there was no work for any to do but himfelf. Thus did this one man, who had never fought before (and thereforelike an horfe, knew not his own ftrength till it was tryed) conquer three, that were accounted Cocks of the Heclors.

The Gentlemen fearching their Portmancicks, and finding 400 lib. was amazed at fo confiderable a pur- chafe; and fecuring it, with this furviving Rogue, and their Horfes, rode directly to the next Juftice ;

74 The Englijli Rogue \ And Part 3.

where leaving the Booty in his hands for the prefent, the Prifoner had his mittimus drawn up, and was fent to the fame Gaol his Lanlady, the Hoftefs was in. Not- withftandingallthofe difguizes he madeufeof tofeem another man, he was known by me, and received from me a whole broad fide of juft reproaches; which had like to have funk him deeper, than the preffures of his prefent misfortunes could do. What (faid I) did you not live too much at your eafe? had you not but too much plenty, which took you off thofe defpe- rate courfes, or might have done, which would with out doubt have brought you to the Gallowes in the end ; but having fo little regard to your own well- fare, I could not expect much from you as to mine; though gratitude might have commanded you to have flu dyed myprefervation, although you fhould hourly hazard your own. Inftead of applying fmooth, and foothing anfwers (which might have been as Cordi als, or Balfom to my wounded mind) he gave me this corrafive, this Choak-pear, that if I would not hold my clack, which dinn'd his ears worfe than the Catarachts of Nile, he would declare before the Bench, upon his tryal, that he would never have done fo foul a fact, but by my inftigation ; and that if I held not my tongue, he affured me, that (fmce he knew that it was impoffible for him to efcape with life) he loved me fo well, that I fhould dye with him, to bear him company in the other world.

Perceiving what his defperate refolution was, I thought good to alter the Scene of my chat, and beg him to be patient; affuringhim, that what I had faid was not out of any ill will, but to make him fenfible how much I was his friend at all times; and that my own imprifonment (for his fake) troubled me not fo much, as the dangerthathewas in; and that he might

Part 3. other Extravagants. 75

accufe me, if he pleafed, and fo endanger my fuffer- ing with him ; but I charged, withall, his Confci- ence with my innocencie in, and ignorance of what he and his accomplices had a£led, contrary to my privity. It was fome comfort to hear him then ac knowledge before a great many witneffes, that I was no way acceffary to his guilt; and when the AfYi- zes came, he acknowledged upon his Arraignment, that none abetted, or were concerned in what he had done, and there flood arraigned for, but himfelf and two others, which were (lain in the conteft. Where upon I was difcharged by Proclamation of Court, none coming in againft me ; and he received fentence of death, which was accordinglyexecuted three dayes afterward; he then again at the Gallows declaring to the fpeflators my innocencie in his robbery.

This Confeflion of his, I thought, would as well reintroduce me into the favour of the abufed Gentle woman, my former friend, as by his fuffering death give full fatisfaction to her inraged revenge. In order thereunto, after my Gaol delivery, I fent her feve- ral Letters to pacific her paffion, and imployed feve- ral friends to acquaint her with the reallity of my former fidelity, and prefent integrity: at length they fo far mediated with her in my behalf, that (he fent for me (when her Husband was abroad) and in the walks of her Garden, difcourfl me largely, as to whatever had paft between us, or anybody elfe by my means. And now, faidfhe, this laft unhappy and unex pected villany from a friend you procured me, and one I dearly loved, hath tyed up my hands from ever en joying the like opportunities again. For my Husband finding that the purchafe he took from the Thieves was but a Pig of his own Sow, his own money, and knowing the principal Robber to be the Perfon I of-

76 The Englijti Rogue; And Part 3.

ten treated at our houfe with much civility, fhrewd- ly fufpe6ls, that I not only consented to the Robbery, but would be eafily induced to believe to his death too, were it not for the great lofs he knows I fhould receive by his death if he fhould dye without iffue. However he is much more cautious of me than he ufed to be, taking his money into his own cuftody, and he fets a watch over me to obferve what company I keep a- broad, or entertain in our houfe : and therefore, if ever you intend to redeem your former credit and e- ftimation with me, ftudy fome proje6l how I may carry on the defign afore propounded, of having an Heir, that the Eftate may not pafs to the next Bro ther. A man I cannot but hate, for feveral weighty confiderations. The crookednefs of his difpofition, and the unfuitablenefs of his humour to mine, were fufficienttomakemenotlovehim; but his infufferable wicked pra6lifes, both againft me, and my Husband, make me abfolutely detefh the very fight of him. When I was firft married (quoth flie) I thought my felf as capable of conception as any fhe that ever wore a head ; & my husband being then healthful, & actively vigorous, foon confirming me, in the opinion of being a teeming woman : It feems I was with child, though I knew it not ; and finding a great change and altera tion in my body, I was fo ignorant, as to believe I was breeding fome ill humours, which, if not timely pur ged away, might ingender a difeafe that might prove my death. My Husbands Brother (which was wi- fer than my felf in that point) knew very well I was breeding young bones, the growth of which would infallibly lift him out of all his flourifhing hopes of enjoying his Brothers Eftate ; therefore out of a feeming tendernefs, and vigilant care of the prefeva- tion of my health, followed my own perfwations,

Part 3. other Eztravagants. 77

with his damn'd advice; and at the end I was induc'd to take a vomit to clear my ftomack, he telling me, for certain, it might be very foul, fince I was fo fre quently troubled with puking in the morning, and vomiting after Dinner. An Apothecary of his own procuring (with his Devilifh inftructions) made up the Compofition, which, without imagining the leaft harm, I eafily fvvallowed, which wrought with me fo ftrongly, that, having nothing left within my ftomack for it to work on, I thought it would have brought up my very heart within its appurtenances ; the Devil of a Phyfitian all this while feemed to comfort me, by faying, be cheerful, Sifter; this will clear you (and fo it did of what it fhould not) and clenfe you of thofe malignant humours which fo much prejudiced your healthful conftitution ; and that he might make fure work of me, counselled .me to take a purge, and that would carry all downwards, and then my bufmefs was done ; I poor eafie fool, was quickly drawn to it, and the fecond time fvvallowed that, which the next day made what I went withal prove abortive.

I had often feen, but more efpecially heard, that this Doctor was no fooner gone from his Patient, but he was immediatly in the Company of my brother, which made me, with a great deal of good reafon, conjecture, they plotted no good together ; where fore I got two Doctors more to vifit my Husband, who plainly told me, at the firft fight (both agree ing in one opinion) that he was poyfoned. Hear ing them fay fo, I could not forbear ; but, in the agony of my Spirit, cryed out, I know the Murde rers ; and their lives fhall here, for the lofs of his, make fatisfaction in part, and in full, by their damnation hereafter. They defired me to be patient, affuring me that they would ufe their utmoft skill to over-

78 The Englifli Rogue ; And Part 3.

power the poyfon ; and doubtlefsly he had dyed, had not thefe two eminent Artifts beftirred themfelves to purpofe. In a little time they raifed him on his feet (which made his former Doctor betake himfelf to his, having not been heard of by us fmce ;) but they could not affure me how long it would be ere hewould be down again ; for (faid they) he will be an infirm, impotent man, as long as he lives.

If now my hatred to my Husbands Brother be not juftly grounded, do you judge ; and I hope Heaven will not be offended with me, in finding out fome way to dispoffes him of his hopes, in having the Eftate, who rob'd me of my fruitfulnefs,and would have deprived my Husband of his life.

Madam (faid I) there is juft now a plot come into my head ; which if you pleafe, mall be put in practice, and that is this. Since your Husband is thus infirm, and you barren, this muft be the only way, which muft crown your defires. I will imme diately go upon the fearch for fome young thing with Child, whether fhe be Wife, nor neither Maid, Wife, nor Widdow, it matters not ; whom with large gifts, and larger promifes, I will perfwade to part with her Child, when born, and you fhall lye in with it ; let me alone to the management of all ; but firft, let me find out a Perfon fuitable to our purpofe, and I will warrant you to carry on the reft to your full fatisfaction. I will inftantly ior London where I cannot mifs of Subjects enough of this fort, out of which I may pick and choofe. She liked this propofal fo well, that fhe would not fuffer me to ftay a minute longer with her, but that I fliould inftantly leave her, and make my felf ready for my Journey; and thus far have I travelled in order to the finifhing thereof, when I met with fo bleffed an opportunity,

Part 3. other Extravagants. 79

of falling into difcourfe with you, Deareft Madam, which I hope will tend to both our happinefles, if you will be ruled by me.

Thus, faid Mrs. DorotJiy, I heard the whole re lation of her felf, and others, with great attention : and thought it was now my Cue to fpeak, which I did in thismanner, not onlycauteloufly, but with much feeming refervednefs. Mother (for fo, by the difpa- rity of our Age, I make bold to call you) the ac count you give of your felf is fo monftroufly wicked that I know not whether, with fafety, I may inter change any further difcourfe with you ; neither can I but take notice of your fubtility, and matchlefs craftinefs, as well as your unparallel'd debauchery, and .wantonnefs ; you may very well excufe me, if now I fband on my guard, and wearily entertain a par ley with you ; fmce you are known to be an old Soul- dier in the Wars of Venus, and fo may fight too cun ningly for me, that am but a (tripling upon any fuch account. However make your propofals (and if I may beafluredyoupump me not to intrap me) as I find them faifable, and profitable for the future, I fhall accept them, and be ready to be fervicable to you, and your defign.

The good old Gentlewoman, as one tranfported, by hugging me in her Arms, interrupted me, fay ing ; Daughter, miftruft me not in this affair, and try whether I will not in a little time make you as happy as your own wifhes can make you ; and there upon asked me how long I had been with Child, and whether I could be content, that, by anothers owning it, the Child hereafter might be owner of an Eftate (it feems born to) the tenth part whereof none of my Anceftors ever yet enjoyed.

It is confeft, faid I, my own weaknefs, and Fe-

8o The EngliJJi Rogue ; And Part 3.

male frailty betraid me to unlawful embraces of a handfom young man, whofe fubtle follicitations could not be withftood by a Nun, much lefs by me ; and yielding, I now carry both the Sin and the fhame of thofe ftolen delights about me, where ever I go. That though it was my ill Fortune thus to lofe (by one throw at play, inconfiderately) a thing of that value, my Maiden head I mean, yet it was fome comfort to me, that it was a Gentleman of no mean worth that won it ; and I queftion'd not but the off- fpring would be like the Father, as well in the comely proportion of the Body, as Gallantry of Mind ; being thus fully perfwaded it will prove fo goodly a Perfon, it will the more trouble me to part with it to another ; that if I fhould do any fuch thing it is not for necefiity ; for, as I had money confidera- ble of my own, before my deluding Lover came acquainted with me ; yet, to compenfate that fingle kindnefs, he hath fo fhowred his Gold and Silver on me fmce, that my Wealth may procure a Match confiderable enough, though my face carryed in it no other invitation. Come, come, Daughter (faid the Old Woman) Something hath fome favour : and although you have enough, yet more will do no harm ; befides your Child will be well look'd after, well provided for (which you may fee when you pleafe) and you rid of that incumbrance, will be in a better condition for any one to follicite you in Marriage. Being thus convinc'd by the fubtle Ar guments of this cunning Matron, I condefcended to whatever (he would have me to do ; and fo without further delay, the next morning we rode together to the Houfe of this old Gentlewoman ; where alight ing, fhe had no fooner provided a neceffary Room for me, and given order for my Supper, which was

Part 3. other Extravagants. 81

extraordinary, but her impatience immediately hur ried her to the Gentlewoman, her Friend ; and being out of breath, told her, as well as fhe could, that fhe had effected the bufmefs beyond expectation ; but becaufe flie would not leave me too long, begg'd her excufe, promifmg the next morning a full ac- counf of all her proceedings. That night was fpent in all the jollity imaginable; Fowles of all forts, and the choiceft of the feafon were provided ; Wine flowed fo plentifully through every room of the Houfe, that I wonder it did not reel into the ftreets. I am fure the fervants would, had not a noife of Mu- fick held them by the ears, whim their Legs caper'd like a pair of Drum-fticks. Although they took but little repofe that night, yet my Hoftefs got up early to wait on her Correfpondent, who had not flept that night, for the eager expectation to hear how her defires were accomplifht.

But overjoyed fhe was, when fhe faw the old Wo man approach, who taking her afide in one of the walks of the garden, askt her how flie had fped, and in what manner. The old woman (as much tranfpor- ted with joy as fhe) have patience, and I will tell you, faid fhe; In my way to London, I met with feveral that had nibled on the bait of concupifence; but they were fuch flounder-mouth'd, draggle-tail'd, dirty Puffes, that I would not venture upon any of them ; but at length comming to an Inn on the road, I accidentally fell into the Company of a Gentlewo man (which is this that I have now brought with me, to be ferviceable to you) who by her deportment in formed me, that flie was not meanly extracted ; and bythofe wanton torches in her face, which Nature had drawn to allure, and captivate hearts, I gueft (he was not unacquainted with theMafculine gender; and

G

82 The EngKJh Rogue ; And Part 3.

as I imagined, fo it proved ; for I have fo rigled my felf by difcourfe into her concerns, that I foon made her unravel the bottom of her fecrets. To be fhort, I found her every way fit for our purpofe, and by an extraordinary device, I have made her ours ; and that you may fatisfie your felf farther, I will bring her to the Park, a mile from your houfe, where I ihall defire you to meet us in the afternoon. Hereupon fhe departed, and acquainted me how me had open ed the way to confummate what we had agreed on ; and fo having dined, we went to the place appointed, where the Gentlewoman was already cometo meet us. The Gentlewoman feeing us at a diflance, made up to us, but was ftrangely aftonifht when fhe faw a perfon fo unexpectedly handfome, and in a Garb which as much exceeded that which fhe wore, as the face fhe faw excelled mofb others that fhe had feen before; and therefore thought it requifite to make her addrefs, as to a perfon of no mean Quality ; yet thinking again, fhould fhe do fo, I might think fhe mockt me; (for had I been nobly born and bred, I would never have condefcended fo low, as to profli- tute my body to the unlawful embraces of fome hot- blooded Gallant, and afterwards mercenarily expofe the Infant to the difpofal of a meer ftranger;) there fore familiarly thus fhe fpake; Sweet-heart, Though I never faw you before, I am not unacquainted with your affairs, and am much troubled, that fo good a face fhould be fo deluded, and grofly abufed by any Promife-breaker of them all; but fmce what is paft cannot be recalled, I fhall endeavour to redrefs your misfortunes, after this manner; you fhall lodge with a good old Gentlewoman, not far off, a friend of mine: but be fure you keep your felf private; and when you have a mind to take the air, and enjoy

Part 3. other Extravagants. 83

your felf, you fhall not want a Coach to carry you whither you lift, fo it be far enough off : your pro- vifion at home, with all things neceffary, and your expences abroad, fhall be at my charge ; all that I fhall require of you is, that when you cry out in la bour, your Childe may be at the difpofe of your Landlady, whom I conftitute your Guardian. If in the interim you want any thing, let me know it, and you fhall be fupplyed, and enjoy your felf as free ly, as if you were Emprefs of the whole World ; and when you are difcharged of your great belly, you fhall not want a fum to make you a good portion for any honeft man. Be not feen in the Town, and do not come to our houfe, but be ruled by yourGuar- dian ; and affure your felf this, your Child fhall be my Child, and what eftate I have, or my Husband, fhall be his : and fo fhe took her leave of me, cram ming my hand full of Jacobnffes, as the earned of a better penny.

I was forthwith conducted to this houfe, which was intended for my lodging privately, where I was entertain'd, according to instruction, with much re- fpe6l and gallantry; a Maid was there ready provi ded to attend me, and there was nothing wanting in my entertainment to make my life comfortable, and my looks cheerful. Here did I merrily pafs my time away, being often vifited by my old Hoftefs, daily puzzling each others invention, what we fhould have for Dinner; what recreation in the afternoon; what for Supper, and what divertifement afterwards; how to make our pleafure more poyant by their diversity, and variety ; but the greateft difficulty lay in our cun ning projections of going abroad, which we knew we muft carry with a world of fecrecie, or fpoil all what - ever we intended to do.

G 2

84 The Englifli Rogue ; And Part 3.

In the mean time, the Gentle-woman (underfland- ing my true reckoning, which was three moneths gone with Child) calculated her time accordingly, and gave out, fhe was with Child : every one admi red at the news, having not had any in fo long a time of marriage, and knew not whether they had beft give credit to the report; her Husband would not be induced to believe it by any means, looking uponit as incredible, nay, almoft impoffible ; but that which mofl of all favoured what fhe would have credited was her being troubled at that inflant, with fome hy- dropical humours, which had fo fwelled her belly, that fhe had much adoe from perfwading her felf, that fhe was really with Child. Her Husband per ceiving this, from an Unbeliever became a Convert, and by his belief wrought all the Neighbourhood in to the like perfwation : but that which knockt the nail on the head, was the opinion of the Midwife (a Creature of the Gentlewomans, made abfolute to her devotion by gifts, and promife of future rewards) which proclaimed it every where as a wonder, that one after fo many years, having never born a Child, fhould now at lafl conceive. Neither was the kind, and over-indulgent Husband, backward in fpreading oflentatioufly, his glory, that he fhould at lafl be called -Father, when all the glimmerings of thofe hopes were quite extinguifht. His joy made him fo rafh and inconfiderate, that he befpoke Goffips, and concluded .upon a name for it, though he knew not whether it would be born alive, male or female. On the other fide, the feemingly over-joyed woman pro vided clouts for the bantling, and all other things ne- ceffary, which an over-bufie Lullaby could invent. So many wet Nurfes \vere fent for, that they came tumb ling to the houfe by .dozens; and fo many faults were

Part 3. otJicr Extravagants. 85

found with them, that they Troopt off again as fall ; one was diflik'd for her Hair, it being of a red colour, and therefore her milk was lookt upon as too hot, rank, and venemous; every one giving in their Ver dict, that fhe fhould not bewholefome,fmce the Turks were accuftomed to make the ranked poyfon of the flefli of flaves that were red-hair'd. Another was too tall, and therefore flothfull, and unaclive, being not talkative enough; a third not clear skinn'd, nor well featur'd, having a caft with the eye, which might be the ill pattern of directing the Childs eyes amifs : a 4th. had a too indulgent husband, whom they fear ed one time or other might curdle the Child's milk, and fo endanger its health: a fifth had had formerly fore Breafts.and theydoubted from thence the Milky- way might be polluted : a fixth was too melancholly enclin'd, which they judged would not only preju dice her fuck, bui deprive her of the talking qualifica tions of moft Nurfes, who look upon the impertinent nonfenfical tittle-tattle to their Children, to be the bafis of all their future learning. With much adoe, they at length pitch upon a lovely brown woman, full grown, well featur'd, quick fighted, clear skinned, middle ftatur'd, with breads little and round, her blood cirkling them in the pleafant blew Meanders of her veins. Now left they fhould loofe her, if fhe went out of their fight, fhe was hired, and entertained into the houfe immediatly, although her Miflrifs had five moneths to go of her fuppofed time.

Though her Husband was extafied with joy, his Brother was moved by a contrary paflion, his folly making him (hew it, in fo unfeemly a way, that every one now concluded him that, which they only furmized before, a villain, that had both ftudied and praflifed the ruin of his neareft relations; & he was often accufed &

86 The Englijh Rogue; And Part 3.

upbraided for fo doing, that he was forc'd to leave the Town, and fmce is gone to a Cozen of his living in Barmudus.

My time began now to draw nigh, being groan fo bigg I could not with convenience ftir abroad, and too reftlefs to ftayat home. As I felt any pain, Icaufed my Miftrifs to be acquainted therewith, that fhe might be fo too; if I felt my felf much difordered, I fent away her confident presently to allarmher; who a<5led her part as artificially, as I did it really. Thefe out-cries of hers made the whole Garrifon continually ftand to theirarms; there being about her continually the Mid wife, Wet-Nurfe, Dry Nurfe, with many Neigh bouring affiftants : the Maids below ready at com mand, and a Man Midwife, if need fhould require with fo many inftruments ready fixt, as would with the very Iron fet up a Black-fmith: and all for the ftrangenefs of fhape, furpaffing any rarity in Tredef- cants Collection.

After fo many falfe allarms,a true one came at laft, carried by our Confident aforefaid, with my Child in her lap ; whofe very appearance was watch-word e- nough for the Gentlewoman to exprefs the pangs of Child-birth, which fhedid then in a moreviolent man ner than before, imagining fomething more than or dinary : fhe approaching the bed askt her lowdly how fhe did, and how fhe felt her felf, and at that very in- ftant clapt the Child into Bed to her; whoimmediate- ly skreeking out, the Midwife ran to her, where feem- ing to be bufied about her a while, at length takes the Child from her, and doing with it, and her, as is ufu- al ; the news of this her happy delivery was convey ed to the Husband, who was near at hand, attending, and with tears lamenting the fad pain his poor wife underwent for him ; but the joyful tydings of having

Part 3. other Extravagants. 87

a Son born, wip'd away all thofe tears, and fo ani mated his feeble Carkafs, that he would have en- tred the Room, before it was either Civil, or Con venient, had he not been ftopt by meer force. I mall not trouble you by relating what an Univerfal re- joyceing there was through the whole houfe, but on ly inform you, that before the expiration of a moneth the Child was Chriftened, being as lovely a Child as could be born of a Woman, not any limb or part of his body, which did not promife to ex ceed his true Father in every thing. The Gentle woman being up, as foon as me underfbood I was well and fully recovered, appear'd abroad in publick, whofe happy delivery was by all congratulated. And to gratifie me, (he fent me an hundred pieces of old Gold, defiring me to remove my Quarters, and to engage my tongue eternally to conceal the fecret. I now thought it high time to fend to my two Gallants, who were obliged to me in bonds, the one to pay me fourty pound, and the other fifty, upon my delivery; they being both affured of the truth there of, delayed me not, but fent me my moneys by the firft conveniency, which added to my late purchafe ; and what money I had before, made up to weighty a portion, for fo light an Houfwife as my felf.

CHAP.

88 TJie Englijh Rogue ; And Part 3.

CHAP. V.

Mrs Dorothy relates fever al paff ages in the Inn: as, how the Hoft drew Guefts to his Houfe, and tlicn cheated them: the Boy by his Example, attempts to cheat, but is taken in the manner; is beaten by his Mi/iris, but is revenged of her and his M after ; is turned over to be corrected by the Under Hoftlc, but is wittily, and plea fantly revenged on him.

I Was now (continued Mrs Dorothy) rid of my great Belly, and inftead of that, had a great Bag of money ; and my Child being thus provided for, as I have told you, I retired from the place where I had lain in private, now to appear in publick at the Houfe of my very good friend, the old Crony; part of whofe Adventures I have already related to you : and fmce you have not thought me tedious in the difcourfe I have already made you, I fhall give you an account of fome fuch Tranfa6lions in her Houfe, during my flay there, which, I believe, will be no lefs pleafant than what you have already heard: and then having made a fhort paufe, we thufs proceeded.

The whole Family, confiding of her felf, her Hus band, a Son of about twenty four years of Age, and Daughter about nineteen,aChamberlain,aTapfteror Winer, an Hoftler, Cook-maid, Scullion, and two or three boyes; who were imployed under the others, were all alike, knavifh enough, all guilty of fuch unpa- rallel'd Knaveries as I have rarely heard of; and know ing of one anothers tricks, they out-vyed one another, ftrivingand contending which fhould exceed in Ro guery, and fo fly and cunningly they carried it, that 'twas difficult to difcover them, efpecially when they

Part 3. other Extravagants. 89

all joyned together to cheat or abufe anybody; but when they fell out among themfelves, they made ex cellent fport in afling the revenges they took upon oneanother, My Landlord loved his pleafureand pro fit fo equally, that he made it his bufmefs to contrive how to joyn them together; and although he com monly had the beft Cuftom of any houfe in the town, yet he would practice wayes to gain, and bring in more ; among other wayes, he ufed this for one. He would take his Horfe in an Afternoon, and ride out fome ten or twelve miles, and fo return home again ; but he feldome came home, but he brought Guefts with him, which he would take up by the way, thus. If he faw a parcel of Travellers, who he thought to be good fellowes, and fit for his purpofe, he would then enquire which way, and how far they travelled ; to this they commonly anfwered, direflly ; and if they were for our Town, then he would joyn with them ; and foon after, his fecond queftion would be, to know if they were acquainted at the Town, and at what Inn they would take up their Quarters : If they were ftrangers, and by that means indifferent of the place where they fhould lodge ; then he told them, that the beft Inn in the Town was his Houfe, but not naming it to be his, or that he had any Intereft in it, but only that he knew there was a good Hoftefs, who had a handfome Daughter that would ufe them well ; and he feldom miffed with this Bait to win them to agree to go thither with him, and accordingly to bring them home with him. But if they would not a- gree upon the place, and he faw there was no good to be done, then he would pretend fome excufe to ftay behind them, & would wait for fuch company as would at all points be for his turn; and with them would he enter the Houfe as a Stranger : indeed he would

90 The Engli/h Rogue : Or, Part 3.

call the Chamberlain, Hoftler, and Tapfter, by their Names ; but they, who knew their Duties, would in no cafe fhew any Duty to him. Then would he, as being acquainted in the Houfe, tell his Fellow Tra vellers what provifions there was for Supper, and would be fure to draw them up to the higheft Bill of Fare he could. If the Hoftefs, or her Daughters com pany were defired, he would be the forwardeft to call them, and only treat and converfe with them as of fome fmall acquaintance ; after fupper, he would en deavour to draw on the Company to drink high, and ufe all poffible means to enflame the reckoning; and when he faw they were well heated with wine, and the fury of their expences was over, he would pre tend, out of good Husbandry, to call for a Reckon ing before they went to bed, that they might not be mif-reckoned, or ftaid from the purfuit of their Jour ney in the Morning; to this they would commonly agree, and the Sum totalof the reckoningbeingcaft up, he would be the firft man that would, without fcruple, or inquiry into the particulars, lay down his fhare, and by his examples, the reft would follow; if any did queftion the dearnefs of the Victuals, or the quan tity of the drink, he would by one means or other take them off,protefting that the Hoftefs was too ho- neft to mif-reckon them, and that he had kept a juft account himfelf, and was well fatisfied ; or elfe he fhould be as cautious from parting from his money as any of them; and then they, not diftruftinghim fur ther, would by his example pay the (hot. Thus would he many times, by his Crown or fix fhillings fhare, mif-reckon on them fixteen or twenty fhillings; efpeci- ally if they came to high drinking : and then the reckoning being paid, they went to bed, he retiring with his wife, and he would lye abed in the morning,

Part 3. other Extravagants. 91

and let them march off alone ; but if they, in the Morning, did fall to drinking again, taking a hair of the Old Dog, then would he up, and at them again, make one at that fport,and many times put them out of capacity to Travel that day, and fo keep them there to his profit, and their expences; he fhifting his Liquor, and in the end, fhifting himfelf out of their Companies, when he has feen his Conveniency, leave- ing them to pay roundly for their folly. If they en quired after him, my Hoftefs would pretend he was a Chance Gueft, as they were, only, fhe had feen him the laft year, or fuch like; and thus he would force a Trade, and enjoy his pleafure and profit, by joyning them together ; and this courfe did he frequently ufe when Guefts came not in of their own accord ; fo that our houfe was feldome empty.

As mine Hoft,who was the Head and Chief of the Houfe, had his tricks, fo had the reft of the Family theirs, even the leaft in the Houfe; for there was an unhappy boy, who was fometimes with the maid in the Kitchin, fometimes with the Tapfter, attending Guefts in their lodgings, and other times, with the HoftlerandHorfes in the Stable; this boy, though he was little was witty: and feeing that every one had their tricks, he caft about how he might have his, and have fome profit in the Adventure; fo that one day, mine Hoft being abroad, and the Tapfter out of the way, he drew the drink; and not only the Beer, but carried bottles of wine to the Guefts, & feeing them in a merry vain.he thought to try his skill at mif-reckon- ing them ; and for fix bottles which he carried into them when they came to pay, he reckoned them eight; and though there was fome queftioning of the truth, yet he juftified it, and ftood to it, that he had the reckoning he demanded.

92 The Englijli Rogue : And Part 3.

This being his firft confiderable attempt in this Na ture, for he had gained two (hillings for himfelf, he was refolved to keep the prize for himfelf; and there fore putting that up in his Pocket, he delivered the reft at the Bar; the reckoning being wiped out.

But the Company falling into difcourfe, in fhort time called for more wine, and then theTapfter being returned, he officiated in the boyes place, and turning him into the ftable; more wine they had, and flaying longer than ordinary, and falling again to drinking, they quaffed off the other half dozen bottles of wine, and then calling to pay, the Tapfter, thinking to put his old trick of mif-reckoning in practice, told them, there were feven bottles to pay; but one of the com pany who was more cautious than the reft, had made his obfervation, and every bottle that was brought in, he unbuttoned a button, and fo was able to aver and juftify that there was but fix; and withal, the reft of the company believing him, they all fell a ranting, vowing that they would pay for no more, and farther alledging that they were mif reckoned one or two bottles in the laft reckoning; the Tapfter, although he was guilty as to himfelf, yet he did not believe them as to the other reckoning, becaufe he could not imagine, that the boy would be fo bold as to attempt to cheat them, and therefore he huff'd as high as they in justification of the boy and himfelf; and fuch a noife they made, that the Hoftefs went in to knowthe caufe of that clamour : they at firft were fo hot on both fides, that they would not hear her fpeak, neither did they fpeak reafonably themfelves; but in the end fhe underftood the matter, that they were wconged of one or two bottles by the Boy, and one by theTapfter; fhe hearing the matter, did not fo much ftand to j uft ifie

Part 3. other Extravagant*. 93

and vindicate the Tapfter, whom fhe did imagine was guilty, but as for the boy.fhe was very confident, that he had not wronged them, and when the heat of their anger was fomewhat over, fhe examined particulars enquiring how many bottles they paid for, they faid eight : fhe who had not fo foon forgotten what fhe had received, averred that fhe had but fix Jliillings for wine, and therefore it was a miftake ; they ftill al- edged eight, and fheyur : till now nobody could end the controverfie but the boy, who was fought after, and in fhort time found in the hayloft afleep, or medi tating how he fhould beftow his purchafed Treafure ; but being found, he was without any queftions there immediately led away before the Gentlemen and his Miftrefs, who were to be judges of this matter of fact. The queftion was foon ftated to him, and he too well underftood the matter, which he ftoutly deny'd, but there was quickly fuch clear evidence appeared againft him, that he was found guilty; for he not dreaming or miftrufting any fuch matter, had not con veyed the money away, fo but that the pockets being fearched, there the two Jliillings were found, to the great fhame and confufion of the fmall delinquent : this was to the great amazement of the Guefls, his Miftrefs, and the Tapfter; but the money being laid down, and two bottles wine being brought in for it, the Gentlemen were well enough pleafed, and made no further enquiry into the other bottle, which the Tapfter had likewife mif-reckoned them ; fo that he fcaped without fhame or punifhment, fo did not the boy, who was not only afhamed, but was ordered to be feverely punifhed, and therefore the next morning was fetched up by the under Hoftler, (one who was not fo wife as the boy, though in growth he was much biggar) with a Cat of nine tailes,

94 The EngliJJi Rogue : And Part 3.

which gave fo great an impreffion on the poor boyes buttocks, that he was refolved on a revenge, which he effected, as I fhall prefently tell you. This boy was now looked on as an errant cunning Rogue, and one who without good looking to would be too wife for them all, for he had prefumed to mif-reckon twoyftz'/- lings in fixy7«Y//;/£-.r,and put it all into his own pocket, whereas the Tapfter who was a proficient in cheat ing, and licenfed therein (but with this provifo, that half of what he gained thereby was to be paid to his Miftrefs) only endeavoured to mif-reckon one Jhil- ling in fix ; fo that, I fay, the boy was narrowly watched, and had many a blow on the back, and box on the ear, more than formerly; he who knew he had deferved it, for he was guilty of many petty wag geries, was forced to bear, but however he made pro- vifion againft it, for his Miftrefs ufmg to pommel him on the fhoulders with her fift, he one time took a pa per of pins, flicking them with the points upwards, placed them between his Doublet and Caffock; and his Miftrefs ftriking him, as fhe was wont to do, did light upon the pins, pricked her hand till the blood ran down her fingers ends, and the boy running away, fhe could not imagine how this was done, for fhe faw no thing upon his coat, that fhould caufe it ; fo the boy getting away, removed the paper with pins, and there was an end of the matter for that time. The Miftrefs rinding fhe had fuffered by ftriking him on the fhoul ders, would come no more there with her bare hands ; but ufed a cudgel, if it were near her, and if not fhe would ufe to flap him on the mouth with the back of her hand ; and one time, he being in the Kitchen, and fhe running after him to ftrike him, he claps a knife, which lay near him, into his mouth, with the edge outwards, fhe not minding that, but endeavouring and

Part 3. other Extravagant* t 95

intending to give him a great blow did fo, but to her coft, for fhe cut her knuckles in fuch pitious manner, that the blood ran down abundantly, and now it was no fooling matter, but Chyrurgions work, where fore one was fent for, and the boy ran away to his wonted dormitory, the hay-loft. The Miftrefs took her Chamber, and towards Evening the Matter came home, and bringing with him fome Guefts, he foon miffed his wife, and thereby knew the occafion of her retirement, and it was not long ere he faw the boy, the Authour of the harm ; he therefore took up a cudgel, and ran haftily after the Boy, who fearing the danger, betook him to his heels, and ran crofs a dung hill in the yard ; the Mafter being eager to purfue the boy, did not take the fame courfe the boy had done, who had paffed over a board he had laid there on pur- pofe, but the Mafter miffing of that, went on one fide, and fell into a great filthy hole, which by reafon of much wet and rain, was there flightly covered ; and had he not been helped out by the Hoftler, he might have ftifled; he having recovered his feet, left the purfuit of the boy, and was forc'd to be con ducted to bed, which was to his great grief and dam- mage, for he had fpoiled his cloaths, wet himfelf, and which was worft of all, he by this means was difap- pointed of his purpofe in making a prey of his guefts he had brought in with him to that purpofe. But the Tapfter and others, did their beft in that behalf, and the Boy was again committed to the difciplination af the under Hoftler, who by the command of his Mafter, almoft flead the poor boys buttocks.

The Boy was now revenged of his Mafter and Miftrefs, who finding him fo unlucky, had no great mind to meddle with him, neither did the Boy ftuddy any revenge upon them ; but fo often as he faw the

96 The Englifli Rogue : And Part 3.

under- Hoftler, who had now twice been his tormen tor, his blood would boyle at him, and all his ftudy was to be even with him ; and thereupon he watched for all opportunities, and it was not long ere he found one. There was meat at the fire to be roafted, and he was ordered to look to and wind up the Jack, which was made to go by a ftone weight, which was faftned to pulleys, and when the Jack was woond up, the ftone weight being on the out-fide of the houfe, was drawn up two ftoryes high, to the eves of the houfe ; the boy obferving this, and that the Jack-weight was down, and feeing his Enemy the under Hoftler in the Yard, juft by the jack- weight he lifted that off from the hook, and conveighed it under the girdle of the Hoftler, juft behind, he not perceiving it : when hehad thus done, he ran into the Kitchin, and woond up the Jack, the Hoftler being none of the wifeft, wondered what it was that firft of all held him by the back, and afterwards drew him up from the ground; but it was too late ere he difcovered the truth, for he was now hanging in the aire; his girdle was of ftrong leather, with a great brafs buckle and thong, which he could not poffibly undo ; neither durft he attempt it for fear of falling, and therefore he was in fhort time drawn up to the top ; the boy not thinking this revenge not enough, feeing no body came, proceeded further, and taking a parcel of wet horfe-litter, and fome dry hay, he placed it juft underneath the Hoftler, and fet fire to it, which made fuch a fmother and frnoke, that the poor Hoftlerwasalmoftchoaked, wherefore he roared out moft hideoufly; the boy having done all he in tended, faid, Now remember tJie Cat ivit/i nine tayles, and fo ran away; by this time the Hoftler made fo much noife, and the jack together, being forced by weight to go fafter than ordinary, that at the noife all

Part 3. oilier Extravagant*. 97

the houfhold ran to fee what was the matter, when, in fhort, there was found the poor Hoftler hanging be tween heaven and earth, and with coughing and roar ing he purged forwards and backwards, but moft backwards ; in regard his girdle forced it downwards by preffing and gripeing his ftomach, fo that he was in a moft lamentable pickle ; and fo great was the afto- nifhment of all the beholders, that he was come down almoft to the bottom, ere the fmoaking hay was re moved, or he relieved ; but at length down he came, and thus ended this adventure.

CHAP. VIII.

The Boy learns, and praflifes Vaulting and tumbling, the maidfervant attempting to do the like, is intang- led, caught in the manner, and laughed at : Jhe puts a trick upon a Puritanical Church- Warden, and makes the boy by another trick, to lye in bed, and lofe his dinner; he is revenged on her by a Gun powder plot.

MRS. Dorothy putting a ftop to her difcourfe, gave us conveniency and leifure to exprefs our fatisfaction by our laughter, in which we continued for fome fpace, and then rehearfmg and commenting on what (he had told us, we again renewed our laugh ter, fhe joyning with us in the fame exercife, when we had put a ftop to our mirth, fhe thus continued.

Truly, Friends, I did think I might a little di vert you by my relation ; but I fee you are plea- fed much better than I expe6led, and if you are

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98 The Englijh Rogue : And Part 3.

fo well contented with this which is but a tafte of what I can tell you, I am fure the reft would be much more delightful; but being defirous to put an end to my difcourfe, by relating to you fuch matters as only concern my felf, till my arrival here, I therefore beg your excufe. Nay, replyed I, and Miftrefs Mary, you muft not refufe us the requeft we both make you, of proceeding in thefe pleafing Adventures of your houfhold ; and, continued I, it is enough to know and find you are here with us, we are fatisfied in that, and hope you will give us the other fatisfa6lion we de- fire ; and I pray be as full and free in your recital as you can, for we cannot think any thing to be tedious that is fo pleafant ; fhe hearing my defires, after few excufes, agreed thereto ; and thereupon fhe thus re- affumed the difcourfe.

The poor under Hoftler being thus defcended from his place of Torment, was almoft in as pitiful a plight as one taken down from the Gibbet half hanged to be quartered; he had as little motion or fenfe ; for he was almoft fuffocated with the fmoak that afcended and flew up his nofe, and down his throat ; and asMa- lefaflors do (as they fay) pifs for fear, or fome other caufe, fo had he done ; and not only fo, but we could perceive fomewhat elfe, of a yellowifh colour, that had foaked through his breeches, run down his ftock- ings, fo that few would touch him ; but at length, the Hoftler, his fuperiour, confidering his condition and former good fervice, took him up, and carried him to his bed adjoyning to the Stable; where, with the afliftance of Aqua vita, he was foon brought to his former fenfes. Our young Rogue in the mean time ly ing in the Hay-loft over him, laughing at the roguery he had done, and the groans he heard the poor fellow

Part 3. other Extravagant*. 99

fetch, were as fo many inftruments of mufick to raife his laughter to the higher pitch.

This Rogue, who wanted nothing fo much as Ro ping, or a good Cat of nine tailes, now efcap'd with out either; there being no body in the whole houfe that hadanymind to meddlewith him ; hewas threat - ned by fome, whilft others only laughed at him, and he went merrily about his bufmefs: and to conclude, much company coming that day to the houfe, and the particulars of the Adventure being told them, they fent for the boy and Hoftler ; and after feveral quefti- ons, and much laughter, they made them drink to one another, and become Friends.

The boy being thus freed from punifhment, fet his wits at work, how he might employ his time to the beft advantage, and be getting of money as well as the reft of the Family did ; and foon after there being a fair at our Town, among other fooleries that atten ded it, there were a parcel of Rope-Dancers, and Tumblers ; our boy was Mafter of fo much money, as to fee them two or three times ; and having very much affection to that quality, he purchafed acquaintance with fuch another Crack Rope as himfelf, who was a very nimble and ac~live youth at the Art of Vaulting; him he invites to our houfe, and treating him with fuch as the Houfe afforded, by all means defires his in- ftruflions in that nimble miftery ; hefoonaffented,and our boy being ingenuous, and very willing to learn, foon attains to the knowledg of this miftery, and taking all opportunities of pra6lifmg, could foon leap through a hoop, vault over two or three joynt ftools, tumble on the ground in various manners ; and being a pretty proficient, had money feveral times given him by Guefts that came to our houfe, for mewing his tricks ; by vertue of his money he would brag and vapour as

IOO The Englijh Rogue: And Part 3.

well as the beft in the houfe ; and the reft of the fer- vants feeing his gain would attemptto do the like, but many times came off with the breaking of their fhins ; amongft the reft, the Cook maid had a mighty great itch to learn and practife fome of thefe tricks belike, fuppofmg that if he, who was a boy, did get fo much money by them, that then fhe might gain much more being a maid ; and that fhe might as well do them as he; the obftacle of Petticoats fhe removed by, re- folving when fhe had learned, to have a pair of Bree ches and Doublet for that purpofe, and that fhe quefti- oned not, but to get money enough, it being a greater Novelty to fee a woman in breeches ; but before fhe purchafed them, fhe refolved to practice in her ordina ry Habit, her Petticoats, and did fo when fhe had con venient time and place ; fo that fhe likewife could per form fomwhat in that practice. One time moft of the other fervants being abroad, fhe was fent into the Cel lar to draw a Gallon Pot full of Claret Wine ; fhe believing it would be fome time ere it were full, by reafon it ran only through a fmall Cane whileft the Pot was filling, fhe lies down on her back, and refol ved now to try whether fhe could put her feet in her neck, in order to practice fome new trick of tumb ling; fhee foon put one there, and with fome diffi culty likewife put the other, when fhe had fo done, fhe could not poffibly undoe what fhe had done, her feet were as faft to her neck, as if they had grown there; and though fhe tumbled and toffed, yet it was all to no purpofe, for fhe could not by any means dif- entangle, or difengage her felf from the pofture fhe was in ; fhe finding her felf in this condition, knew not what to do, for the Pot was now full, and the Wine ran about the Cellar, and with tumb ling about fhe had made her Coats to fly about her

Part 3. otJier Extravagants. 101

ears ; at length fhe refolved to cry out, hoping her Miftrefs, or fome other of the females of the houfe might hear her, and come to her refcue ; this refo- lution fhe put in execution, and cryed out amain, help, help ; we were all in the Room over her, and therefore foon heard her voice, but not knowing whofe, or what was the matter ; mine Hoft at length faid to the boy, firrah, run down into Cellar, and fee what is the matter there ; the boy did fo, and after fome little ftay came up again, and cryes out, Oh .Heavens! Mafter, I think our Cook-maid is murthered for I went down, and there lyes her body without a Head, and a great deal of blood about her (which was the fpilt Claret) but, faid his Mafter, are you fure her head was off? yes, yes, faid the boy, come fee how it is cut of from the neck ; and yet, continued he, I cannot think fhe is yet dead, for fhe moved her hands, and ftill cryes out, but her head I cannot find. Mine Hoft hearing of this ftrange matter, foon ran down into the Cellar, which was not fo dark, nor he fo dim fighted, but he prefently difcovered how the matter was. The only thing he did, was to flop the Wine from running out, by putting the fpiggot into the faucet, and fo returned up to us, and told us that the boy was a little miftaken ; but fuch a fight had he feen as was very unufual ; and thereupon defires us to defend into the Cellar, and fee what he had done; no fooner had he faid fo ; but our curiofities likewife in duced us to go down, where in fhort time we likewife had the fatisfaclion of feeing this ftrange fight : how faid I, this is fome Monfter, and it would do well to keep it in this manner till the next fair, and then we may gain more by it then all the Tumblers did. A pox of Tumbling, faid mine Hoftefs, I believe this came from that Exercife.

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102 The Englijh Rogue \ And Part 3.

We thus having fpent our Verdi6ls, helped the wench to difingage her felf,and put her in her wonted natural pofture ; but when fhe was fo, fhe was not come to her felf, fo much was fhe fpent with ftrugling, and her joynts were fo out of order, that we were forced to lead her up flairs, and put her to bed.

She was mightily afhamedat thismifchance, fothat we couldhardly perfwade her to be feen by anybody ; but the boy was as well pleafed, as fhe was troubled ; it was honey and nuts to him to tell the guefts, how the Cook-maid could do fome feats of activity, as well as he, and then relate to them, in what pofture he found her. Much fport was made upon this account ; and although the Wench was fhy atfirft in being feen, yet in time fhe bore it out bravely, \vhen the guefts gave her money to talk with her about this Adventure.

By this means the wench became a great Enemy to the boy, and did him many fhrew'd turns, but durft not meddle with his body politick, dreading the dan ger fhe fhould run into by the harmes of others who had been his perfecutors ; wherefore fhe was forced to let him alone as to matter of a6tion, only now and then fhe would exercife her wit upon him, in which fhe feldome came off but with the difadvantage. She was famous for this her trick of activity, by which fhe got money, but much more by another, which fhe foon after effected, and came more clearly off with it : It was then in time of rebellion, and all obfervations oiChriftmas, E after, Whitfontide,or any Holy-days, were by the Factious accounted fu- perftitious, efpecially any obfervation of C/iriftmas; and therefore, the more tocrofsthe defire and humour of thofe who would obferve the feaft oiCkriftmas, the men then in power commanded a ftricl: faft to be on that day kept and obferved, with penalties on all thofe

Part 3. oilier Extravagant*. 103

who fhould drefs any victuals ; and althorough the Town, and efpecially our houfe, was of another per- fwation, yet fuch was the prevalency of the Faction, thatit,wasftric~llyobferved; & itwas given out that the Officers of the Town would fearch houfes, to find and punifh Offenders. Our Cook-maid hearing of this, was refolved to put a trick upon the Officers ; who about the middle of Sermon time came attended with a Guard, to fee and examine our Kitching, where they found not the Jack a going, yet they found a good fire, and the pot a boyling : How now, faid Mafter Church warden, How dare you break the Lawes, by drejfing victuals on this day? What have yon in t/iePot? Quoth the Maid, Nothing but plumb porridg? How, faid the Church-warden, Stiperjlitious Porridg ? this is a very great off ence,anddefervcs as great punifhment, to do thus in contempt of tJie Laws ; I ivill fee your M after fined for this, and Jeverely punijhed. Well, re- plyed fhe, but I pray, Majler Church-warden, be not fo angry, but be pacified; which I know you will be, when you fee further what is in the Pot, and with what the porridgearemade; andlejlyou fhouldmijlakelwilljhew you; whereupon fhe went to the Pot and took out a large pair of Rams-horns, and faid,Z,<?0£ you, Mafter Church-warden,//«jw tJiemeat; Jiowlikeyouit? I hope fo well, that you will tajl of the broath y our f elf without fcruple of confcience ? The cafe was fo plain, and M after-Church- warden was fo fenfible that he was jeer'd, that he made all poffible hafte out of the houfe, threatning what he would do to the Wench, who now only laughed at him, as did fome of his atten dants, who knew the Church-warden was very fenfi ble of the affront, his wife being one of thofe who wore cork-heeld fhoes, which made her pafs for a light Huswife, as indeed fhe was.

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IO4 The Englifh Rogue ; And Part 3

This trick which our Maid put upon the Church warden, raifed agreat noife in the Town and Country, and brought all the Cavileers to our houfe, who gave her fomewhat to her box, fo that me was very happy in this project, and our Hofthad very great Cuftom. But ftill the Boy and Wench could not agree to fet their horfes together ; for his bufmefs was to be up in the morning with the firft, and help her make her fire, this he could not indure, for he loved his bed mightily well, and would rather want his belly full of victuals, then fleep, he had liberty to lye a bed on a Sunday fo long as he pleafed, becaufe then they had few guefts ; wherefore he would conftantly lye by it, till dinner time, which he knew by the jack going ; for fo long as the jack went, fo long would he lie by it, but when that was ftopt, he thought it was time, to rife to dinner.

The wench obferving that he obferved thisCuftome was refolved to put a trick on him, and therefore one Sunday though dinner was dreffed by twelve a clock, and eaten by one, yet fhe let the Jack go on till four a Clock after-noon, ftill the boy lay liftning to the Jacks going; and hearing that go ftill on, gave himfelf to lazynefs, and took many a fweet turn, which fhe laughed at heartily; at length fhe ftopt the Jack, and immediately the boy arofe, and came down ftairs (for he lay in a fmall loft over the Kitchin) to fee what was become of the roaft; but he found none in the Kitchin, nor Hall, nor no body in the houfe but the wench ; who feeing him fearch about for his Dinner, and afkingher queftions about the affairs of the belly, fhe could not anfwer him for laughing; but foon after the family returning from Church, he difcovered his own miftake, and her roguery ; for this, he refolved on a revenge, which he had upon her the next day,

Part 3. otJter Extravagants. 105

when, a confiderable dinner being to be dreffed; he was called up in the morning to make a fire ; he did fo, and was more than ordinarily diligent, for he laid a row of Cinders, then frefh Coals, then a row of gun powder, then a row of Cinders, then more gun-pow der, and fo Cinders, till this pile of building was e- rected ; that done, he flightly kindled it and departed, going on an errand out of the Town. The Wench not knowing, or diftrufting the intended mifchief, hung on her Pot ; and both the Spits of Geefe, Ca pons, and other Fowls ; but before they were a quar ter roafted, the train of Powder took ; with that up flew the Pot ; and both the Spits, with all the Fowl, took a fecond flight ; the Wench was amazed, and the Dinner fpoiled, for the aflies and Cinders had made all the Fowls of a fad colour: fo thatthe Wench ftamped and fwore, as if fhe had been bewitch'd.

CHAP. IX.

The Maid is out-witted by a Country Fellow in an eateing wager, and fo is Jter M after, mine Hoft ; who makes himfelf wlwle again by anollter eating wager. Three Women drink off eighteen Gallons of RJieniJJi Wine at one fitting, and tlie manner how.

MR S. Dorothy paufing, and we laughing, gave her the conveniency to confider of what (he was to fay further ; wherefore in Ihort time fhe thus proceeded.

106 The Englifh Rogue ; And Part 3.

The poor Wench was at a great lofs, to think that the Guefts muft loofe their dinner ; and fhe could not for a long time think how this came about, nor dif- truft that the boy had been concerned in it ; but at length, the mift being removed, her eyes were opened, and fhe believed the boy to be the Authour of this mifchief. But fince it was done, and what was paft could not be prevented or helped ; fhe bethought her felf how to proceed ; and therefore, her Miftrefs com ing into the Kitchin, and feeing the ftate of the matter, they likewife called me and the Daughter, to aflift in the remedy ; whilft the Wench made the fire good, we fell to wafhing the Fowls from the fowlenefs which the Cinders and Afhes had caufed ; but when that was done, we had a further and more tedious work, to pick out feveral corns of powder that were faftned into the {kins of the Fowls ; at length, with many hands, we likewife performed this work, and with an hours lofs, the Dinner was in as much for- wardnefs as it had been ; and at length, it wasdreffed and eaten ; but the Guefts tafting, and feeing fome remains of the Gun-powder, my Hoft excufed it well enough, by telling them that thofe Fowles were fhot by an accident.

Thus was the Dinner eaten, and much Wine drank off before the boy returned ; but fo foon as he came in, mine Hoft took him by the hand, and led him into the room where the Guefts were ftill a drinking: and firft defireing filence, and then their pardon, he told them this was the Gunner, that had fhot all thofe Fowls they had eaten, at one fhot ; how, faid they, he is an excellent marks-man : yes truly, faid mine Hoft, but he had a ftrange kind of inftrumenttodo this Ex ecution; and I pray, Gentlemen, do you examine him how it was done.

Part 3. otJter Extravagant*. 107

The Guefts thinking there was fomewhat in the matter that was pleafant, defired the boy to acquaint them with it; he feeing how matters went, and believ ing no harm would come to him, in plain terms told them all ; they were ftrangely pleafed with the boyes difcourfe ; and he having told them the manner how he did it, they defired to know the caufe, wherefore ; to this he replyed, it was becaufe the maid had cheated him of his Dinner, by letting the Jack to go, as I told you.

The rehearfal of that Adventure pleafed them as much as the other ; and the maid was call'd in, who confeffing all that the boy had told them, the Guefts made them Friends, and gave money to each of them ; advifing the Wench not by any means to fall out with the boy, and fo they difmifled them.

Thus had we much pleafure by Adventures, which every day fell out between this boy and fome body or other, but I will leave that, to tell you of fomewhat elfe, as confiderable and pleafant. Our Cook-maid, though fhe were pretty cunning and witty ; was yet fometimes out-witted ; for one day, an ordinary Country fellow came into the Kitchin ; and calling for a Flaggon of beer, fate down by the fire to drink it and thus he began with the Wench : Here is good drink at your houfe, but I wonder you are not as well provided with Victuals ; why, faid fhe, fo we are, for here is good meat at the fire, mewing him a piece of roaft beef, that weighed above a ftone ; yes, faid he again, the meat may be good, but there is but a little of it, there is enough for you, replyed fhe ; no, but there is not, faid he ; how, faid fhe, can you eat all this ? Yes, that I can, faid he ; Tie lay a wager of that, faid fhe ; what you dare, faid the man, fhe would have the wager be a quart of wine (for fhe was

io8 The Englijli Rogue ; And Part 3.

refolved again